Dating and Relationships: A Question of Compromise

Compromise is undoubtedly the key to many problems we face. We are so set in our ways that only our way will do. And so arises the great problem in dating and relationships. If only we could compromise, then we would be better placed to find common ground and work things out. I often hear people saying that they will never compromise on who they would choose to date, what their standards are, what is acceptable for a partner and so on. It makes me sad because who said they themselves were so perfect anyway? Who said they had a right to be so choosey and demanding? Well they did and they do have that right. The dangerous outcome though is that they could be single for a long time yet and unhappy in their personal lives because they are simply just too rigid. Fact.
Now I know that some of you are going to hate this idea of compromise. After all, appearing to compromise in the past has meant you have had some tough relationships and tough times with people. Why should you compromise, it is your life after all. Very good argument. You don't have to compromise at all. Not at all. The problem arises then in building relationships with new people. We may have high standards with our friends and we may have higher standards still for prospective partners but are you going to find perfection? Are you truly perfection yourself? Come on be honest with me, speak to me. Exactly how perfect in every way are you? Exactly! Good so now that I have your attention, lets look at compromises.
Here are six aspects of compromising that we may encounter when dating:
1. Compromise on Perfection
Oh yes, you have the perfect image of someone in your head and its not just about looks. You have an image built up from dreams as well as experience and you are willing to hold out for that, however long and whatever it takes. I have a shock for you babe, life isn't perfect and neither are people. Your idols aren't perfect in their private lives and neither are you. So why set such rigid rules about the people you are going to date.
If you are setting perfection against looks, are you prefect too? If you are only attracted to a certain kind of looks or behavior then I can't argue with that but demanding that someone MUST be 6 feet tall instead of 5'11" is a recipe for dating disaster and speaks volumes about a lack of perspective. I am not asking anyone to compromise on what and who they attracted to but I am asking them to see with both eyes.
Once you move into the realm of relationships you will find that people are far from perfect. There is no one who sees a person the same after ten years as the way they saw them the first 5 minutes they met. That's because as we learn about someone our perspective changes. It is not to say we love any less, but we compromise and begin to accept people with their imperfections. If you cannot accept this you may be better off out-with a relationship.
2. Compromise on Expectations
What do you seriously expect when dating? Do you expect to be hit by Cupid's arrow every time you meet someone. Are you waiting for love at first sight? Are you hoping that every date will lead to marriage? These are important questions because they govern your initial reaction to every new date, they govern how you behave on a date and they govern what will happen at the end of date. Dating is about fun as much as romance and by compromising and accepting that you will enjoy dating much more. After being on 50 dates you may well argue the point that you have a right to expect that eventually you will meet someone you can match with. You are right to be frustrated and I know what you are feeling. The fact is that dating takes time so expect to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince.
3. Compromise on Dates
Approaching dating too seriously badly affects the outcome and your response every time. You may not enjoy dating because of your seriousness and may get dating fatigue. Not everyone you meet will be your perfect match but neither may they be bad people, not extremely pleasant and stimulating, or even sexy. Remember that opposites can and do attract. My advice is to loosen up and enjoy dating for what it is, meeting new people. You most certainly will know it when you are hit by Cupid's arrow, and you don't have to compromise on your perfect match, just compromise on your expectations to dating before you begin. Learn to get pleasure from every new experience.
4. Compromise in Relationships
Being part of a two-people team means exactly that, being a team. Being a partnership means listening to both arguments, both sides of a case, both points of view. The word 'relationship' means compromise. It seems to me these days that a relationship has become all too often a power struggle where one person is trying to get the upper hand, to dominate, to get their own selfish way. The second party becomes subjugated and weakened and stops being themselves. This is a modern disgrace hidden in too many relationships and it makes me tired to see it.
A relationship is not a power struggle and both partners should be equal. If your partner likes to play power games and feel empowered because of it, they have psychological issues that in themselves can cause relationship issues further down the line. If you are not willing to compromise in a relationship, then ask yourself why you are with that person. Your partner does not exists purely as part of your own support system. They have their own needs too.
5. Compromise on the Little Things
It is always the little things that are the most important. It may be the smallest of things that matter to a person, such as leaving the toilet seat up, not tidying up before going to bed, not making the bed, not calling to say hello, not buying flowers. To the other partner, these things may appear petty and not important at all. The point is they do matter and both partners should ensure they listen to their partner and learn what is important to them and what is not. It is not possible to be perfect I know, but it is possible to listen and do the things that make your partner happy. In the same way we hope that they will do the same for you. So keep an eye out for the little things in life. You may have to compromise your own routines to include them, but that is a small price to pay for happiness and love.
6. Compromise on the Outcome
Dating and relationships are open ended affairs. Until you stop seeing someone then there is no end, only the future. Compromise on your view of the future by being far sighted and open minded. You may believe that true happiness will only occur when you have a midtown loft apartment in Manhattan together, or a yacht in a Greek Island harbor and are sailing the seven seas together. That is the beauty of ambition and dreams. But make sure those dreams are shared.
I have seen couples split up at retirement after many decades together because their retirement dream was never spoken about or shared. The point is, as a couple, your ambitions and goals and future should be a shared vision from early on if they are truly to work. You need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and that means you need to be compatible from the outset. You may both have to compromise first to get to that shared vision but it doesn't make it any less worthwhile.

Be Prepared: Dating Preparation is Essential

A strange topic to discuss you may say. No I think it is a very important to discuss preparing to date. If you are going to involve yourself in other people's lives by asking them to dinner and wanting to get to know them then the least you can do is make sure you are ready to this. I have encountered people who a little while into a relationship suddenly announce that they are not ready, or that it is all too soon, or they were unprepared. Maybe you have heard that too.

It is easy to dismiss such instances as people on the rebound, or making excuses but the fact is, about 33% of all people on the dating scene are not really prepared for dating and are free styling it. Some people may be on the rebound from a previous relationship, they may be looking for an escape route, or most likely they are panicking because of the new set of emotions they are facing, often unexpectedly.

Being prepared to date means making sure that mentally you are ready to meet new people and accept into the bargain that you may get on well and even fall in love. Prepare to be scared, prepare to be frightened, prepare to open yourself up to emotions and prepare to fall in love guys. Because if you don't , you are wasting your time and worse, the time of other people.

You do not have the preordained right to play with the emotions of people, and you don't have the right to hurt their feelings. When someone accepts a date or asks you on a date, it is because they like you and want to get to know you better. If you are not able to open yourself up to this level of interest then you are not ready to get involved an begin dating properly. I reckon that at least a third of all dates are mistakes. They are time spent with people who simply don't want to open up and love or be loved which is why you must choose your dates carefully.

Please make sure that when preparing to date, you are really and truly over a past relationship. Dating people just to feel better about yourself will only hurt others and make you feel worse. Getting over a previous relationship can take some time and though very different, has many of the same attributes as bereavement. Be careful not to begin dating again too soon in the hope that it will pick you up. Whilst a new love can get you over your ex, you must already be some way down the line from the ex before you can let go of the past. The danger here is that you can begin comparing at every turn and ultimately panic when the new relationship goes too far too soon. Take your time and be ready first.

The danger with trying to date too soon after a previous relationship has ended is that dating should be great fun. To be on top form and be in great humor you need to be feeling very positive. This is truly essential to date successfully. Consequently when not over a previously partner, the hammer makes you feel guilty and you immediately find your mind wandering to times gone past. In turn this comes across in dates very quickly and it will be obvious to your new date that all is not well. No one dating wants to date people with emotional baggage so it is essential that you move on as soon as you feel able.

Take some time before beginning dating people to work out things about yourself. What are your strong point and what are your weaknesses. What do you think people will pick up about you that you could maybe improve. What do you like talking about, how are you when chatting on dates, how organized are you, how do you come across to others and so on. Preparation means making sure you come across well to people. This is particularly important if you have been out of the dating game for some time. It is crucial that you do everything you can to feel confident and good about yourself and even more important to be ready to handle some rejection. You are going to have to reject and be rejected before you reach the promised land.

• Make sure you are over your last relationship
• Make sure you want to have a relationship
• Make sure you are prepared to be honest about your aims
• Make sure that you are emotionally ready
• Make sure that you are able to tell the truth
• Make sure you are able to handle some rejection
• Make sure your perspective is right
• Make sure you are being serious
• Make sure you know what your dating aims are
• Make sure your confidence levels are reasonably high
• Make sure you are looking your best
• Make sure you are of positive mind
• Make sure you are prepared to wait to meet the right person
• Try not to compare new dates to your ex
• Be prepared to take a fresh approach to dating
• Remember that on all occasions dating should be fun

Remember that when getting into the dating scene you need to be strong and have your wits about you. You need to be on form and in positive mood. You need to be ready to have fun and be entertaining and able to give of yourself. To do this you need to be emotionally prepared so do what you can for yourself before walking out onto the dating field. Be prepared to date.

Confidence: To Date You Must Not be Shy

Most of us are shy in one way or another or at one time or another. It is natural. Shyness is when we fear the consequences of our actions and are paralyzed to the extent that we cannot do what we would like to do. In dating, this becomes an acute issue due to having to put ourselves well outside our comfort zone. We wish to retreat into our shell and protect ourselves rather than take on the 'dangers' of opening up to a stranger.

Shyness takes on many forms, from not being able to ask someone on a date, to not being able to accept. We may find it hard to talk about ourselves or to talk to others. We may be too shy to make an approach, we may be too shy to make a first move or even later, to initiate a kiss, or to respond. Once again, let me stress that this is pretty common in the dating game and leads to many miscommunications, bad signals and stress that we really wish to avoid.

Sometimes when we are shy it is simply easier to avoid dating and say no to someone. It is easier to not approach the person we like and make excuses. When you see someone you like at the bar you clearly want to introduce yourself but hope they make the first move. You can get Dutch-courage from having a few beers or wines which will allow you to become more confident. So overcoming shyness is often a matter of confidence by degrees.

Being shy as a woman is often an attractive quality, and the right kind of confident guy will take you gently out of your shyness and open the situation up. For a man however, shyness can be a debilitating issue that has to be dealt with in order to succeed. The first question to ask yourself is what is it you are shy about? Almost always the first reply is fear of rejection. A man wants to be successful in his approach and for many guys, they learn that a girl saying no is all part of the game. They learn to deal with negative responses and realize that it is a numbers game. Some will say no, others are dying to meet him.

But for a shy man, he has yet to get to that level of confidence. He is scared of girls saying no as he is highly selective. He sees a good-looking girl, maybe the only one he is attracted to in the bar, and he wants to meet only her. He fears she will say no and pre-empts the negative response by assuming too much and then withdraws into shyness by making mental excuses as to why it is not worth taking the gamble of making an approach. In doing so, he has defeated himself at the very first hurdle. This pattern can last not for weeks or months, but for years. It is a situation that must be overcome.

One of the things that can help guys is associating socially with more confident male friends and through this getting the feel of overcoming shyness by being surrounded by confident guys who are busy approaching girls. In doing so he will receive some of that confidence and try to move out of his comfort zone. That is why you often see men acting more confident in a big group. It is almost like a team-mentality.

The next reason why men are shy is because they don't feel good about themselves and haven't yet addressed the issue. They may not be happy about who they are and the way they look. Once again it is related to confidence but can easily by addressed by following the tips elsewhere in my articles. In this scenario the man is not yet prepared to date and in doing so has disallowed himself the opportunity of being able to approach a woman. You MUST feel good about yourself to overcome the shyness that protects you.

Some guys are shy because they simply aren't that good at chatting a girl up or are not very good looking. They prefer for the signals they receive froma woman to be sent to them as loud as a car horn before they will even consider doing something about it. And even then they will question themselves as to whether they really read the situation right. Once again it is about changing a few things and feeling better about yourself. If you are overweight, start losing it. If you are out of shape, get to the gym. If you aren't dressed well, start saving up and buy a few new clothes. Even of you are not very good looking, you are certainly not isolated from dating. Some of the funniest men alive are some of the ugliest men I have ever seen and they have an army of adoring female fans.

Some men are shy because their approach stinks. As soon as they meet a woman they like their conversation dries up and they freeze. They come across like a blubbering fool and retreat fast. Once again this is addressed by a little forward thinking and some Practise. A man can chat up women everywhere. He can chat to them over the counter in a store, or in a diner or anywhere he finds women. Over time, talking with women will become far more natural and will open up more possibilities. So start practicing.

Often the answer to shyness in this sense is to have things to say. You don't need to be a superstar comedian but you can be and often are amusing with your friends. You simply have to learn how to bring that humor out when talking with a girl. Most men don't listen to a girl when she is talking, they are too busy thinking. If you listen closely, she is telling you everything you need to know about how to act, react and what to talk about with her. So start listening too.

Shyness is often about a lack of self-worth. You will think up excuses as to why the person you like won't like you in advance. Maybe they are already attached, maybe you don't think they could like someone like you, perhaps you think they aren't approachable. How on earth do you know if you don't try? And furthermore, what have you got to lose? You can argue that in being shy you can be rejected and this will make you feel even worse and retreat into your shell even more. However, what happens when someone says yes? The world becomes a different place my friend.

Shyness can become a debilitating illness, it can restrict you not only in dating but form taking risks in many aspects of your life. It can prevent you from becoming successful, or from enjoying sports and adventure and even living your life. We all have shy days but it is time to look ahead. It is always easier not to do something than to do it, but you will get out of life far more if you challenge yourself. Dating is often about just that, challenging yourself. Begin today by smiling at people you are attracted to. Nothing more. Once you are confident in doing that then start chatting to people in stores over the counter and make conversation. People like to be talked to.

Once you are used to approaching strangers and smiling then use the same technique in a bar or at a social event. Learn to introduce yourself, even just ina friendly way. Get used to talking to new people. Learn about your best qualities and work on the ones that aren't so great. Over a short period of time you will see that approaching people isn't so hard after all.

As a guy remember the lesson that women like confident men. As a woman you are already way ahead of the guys as it is their task generally to come over to you. Open yourself up to these approaches and although you may say no, allow men to talk to you and allow yourself to be flattered too. After all, you may go home alone, but you will also know that that was simply by choice.

Third Dates: Cooking Dinner For Two

At some stage you may want to invite your date for dinner. This is not just the domain of a woman as I fully expect men in equal measure to offer to make dinner. Remember that romance is in the details, not in the grand gestures. Offering to make dinner will not be a first date scenario because inviting someone into your home can only occur after a degree of trust has been established. Neither will offering dinner in your home be an open-invitation for sex though that can and does happen due the environment and proximity of a bedroom.

No, offering to make dinner can be a daunting affair and planning is essential if things are to go well. The first mistake people make is in trying to be too impressive. Most people can cook something of merit if they put their mind to it, but reaching for an experts guide to Filo pastry is not going to win your dates heart unless you know what you are doing.

On this occasion, do not experiment on a new dish unless you are prepared to practice prior to the occasion on a friend or two. We saw in Bridget Jones how she made blue soup with string and the same disaster will befall you my friend unless you start thinking in advance. If you are currently single, when was the last time you offered to cook for friends? It is all too easy to meet in a restaurant and is not on the same planet of romance as cooking personally. So if you are single why not sort out at least a couple of really nice dishes now so that you can prepare when the time comes. The benefit of this is that you get a social occasion this week into the bargain.

The first issue you have is getting the day right. Mid week can be fine but have you got the time to prepare adequately? Cooking dinner will generally take a little more than the usual 15 minutes meal for one in the microwave from the grocery store so get your thinking cap on. Maybe Saturday evening would be better. After all, it is not your first date and your date has agreed so you have more of the day to begin preparing.

Okay so let's agree that you have gone for a night when you can prepare with enough time not to panic. The next thing is to set the scene. Candles are essential but a room that requires a miners lamp is not light enough so don't make your date struggle to find the table. Quality candles are the key, long burning ones at that. However avoid scented candles as they can spoil the aroma of your cuisine miracle.

The table should be set properly with perhaps a small vase of flowers and certainly napkins and decent cutlery and glasses. You should be seated opposite your date and never to one side or the same side because I am assuming you would like to look at each other across a candlelit table. The music you select should be a shared taste but of muted background variety so as not to intrude on the conversation, but enough to fill any pauses in the chat, should they occur. Classical, jazz or gentle ambient are perfect sounds.

Make sure your kitchen and apartment are organized, clean and tidy and always clean up as you prepare the meal. A kitchen that looks like it has been hit by a missile doesn't instill confidence. It is essential when preparing that you have asked your date in advance what they don't like so that you can best avoid the embarrassment of a meal that someone doesn't like. A first meal can be stressful on both sides and shouldn't be - so damage limitation in advance is necessary.

Once you know what they don't like to eat you can avoid such foodstuffs and give some good thought to what you can manage to prepare. Once again we come back to the age old advice that the effect is in the effort made. Try not to recreate their favorite dish unless you really can because you invite comparison. Neither should you be too adventurous. If you are trying to prepare something that even a 5 star hotel chef would baulk at then you are inviting disaster. You may both laugh about the burnt offerings afterwards but that's not the point of the occasion. Something with no imagination like spaghetti Bolognese or Pizza is best left out of this equation.

Modern cook books display everything from fancy pastry to fusion cookery and again they are danger areas for the unpracticed so think carefully. You should go for a simple fresh starter, a main course that is not too heavy and an interesting desert, with an alternative of cheese and fruit. You need to be able to adapt the meal if necessary. Your efforts will be highly appreciated. Neither should the food overtake the purpose of the evening which is spending time with each other, so when your date arrives you should be able to produce the food in its intended format without looking like acting like a demented chemist .

Most food can be prepared in advance and simply requires warming in the oven or is completed whilst your date enjoys a glass of wine with you in the kitchen. Cooking is sociable so don't order him/her from the kitchen area with a grimace whilst shouting "too many cooks spoil the broth". On the other hand try not to invite attempts from your date to give advice. Which is why you should be organized before they arrive.

So, make sure you select three dishes you can prepare, a starter, main course and sweet dish and do one thing at a time. Some dishes require you to do than more than one thing at a time so be orderly and read the recipes in advance to understand what it is you are doing. By washing up as you go you will feel more in control and can keep the kitchen semi-clean. Your dishes should compliment each other and even better you may wish to work on a theme, like Mediterranean cookery, Cajun or something that is of interest to you both. Try and avoid hot and spicy unless you are a risk taker.

Always allow a third more time than you anticipate and give yourself enough time to get ready before your date arrive so that everything is the way you want it. You may want to try and relax before your date arrives too so do pour yourself a glass of wine and get the music on. Anticipate the evening ahead and try and think ofd things that may arise and prepare ahead.

You may wish to ask a friend round in the afternoon to assist and keep you company whilst you prepare. That way the pressure is off and you can both work to make sure everything is perfect. Don't guzzle litres of the cooking wine whilst you prepare as being drunk when your guest arrives will ruin everything.

Choose a selection of red and white wines as well as anything you know your date likes to drink. Also have some good quality mineral water that you can serve chilled at the table. Cooking for your date will not be the cheapest thing you ever did but you are trying to make a good impression so invest wisely.

Never ever pretend that you are a better chef than you are as this will become clear in the first moments of the first course that you aren't. Also don't try and offer too much food, three courses are fine. If you are even thinking of getting in an outside caterer or pre-prepared food to pretend it is your own creation, please leave the room now and don't come back! Don't start apologizing about your cooking once you both settle in. Be confident and enjoy the occasion. Take your time and don't rush the occasion. A good meal can take anything from 45 minutes to 3 hours depending on the pace and the conversation between courses.

You may be thinking that I am portraying things far too formally. This is because I am mentioning things that you may encounter. Dinner for two can be a meal on a tray in front of the TV. At the same time it can be as formal as you like. But the key thing is to ensure the evening is a relaxed affair whilst portraying any cooking competence you can. You will often see couples in restaurants feeding food to each other. This is because in nature we want to provide and demonstrate that we can, so feeding each other is a natural way of sublimely demonstrating our abilities in provision.

Eating together is one of the most intensely personal things you can do, it is about sharing and a great way to get closer. Food can be a great stimulator and provide a great sense of occasion. This is possibly why a meal for two at home can lead on to other things.

In summary, you should offer to cook for your date and you should prepare carefully. Whilst not every time you eat together in future may be on the same level of effort, this occasion will be well remembered. You are at a crucial stage in your developing relationship and so why not make the most of it. Even better, it is their turn to cook next.

Happy dining!

"Establishing Trust in Dating and Relationships"

To paraphrase the opening lines of one of my favorite movies, Casino, spoken by Robert DeNiro; "When you love someone, you trust them, there is no other way. You give them the keys to everything that's yours, otherwise what's the point". For me, those words sum up a lifetime of dating and relationships for the very essence of any relationships is quite simply, trust.

It is a word that we mention regularly without really thinking about what it really means. Well we kind of know but rarely do we talk about its importance. Trust is when we implicitly rely on the truth about our situation and what we are told and what we are led to believe. We give trust and we take trust at face value. We believe in the person we are dating, in the person we love and we do not question it. Trust is unspoken, it is not denied, it is part of everything we place our faith in. When we talk about 'head-games' we are often referring to trust or a lack of it.

Trust is the foundation of our dating experience because we want to be able to rely on someone and be relied upon. It is a tow-way faith experience where both parties have a support system that has undeniable truth at its core. In the first hours of our first date with someone we really like, we attempt to establish that trust. We ask questions and receive answers and we rely upon the basic truth in the picture that unfolds.

I often hear people saying that trust comes in time and that there will be no true love until trust is created. The issue I have with that is in its inherent lack of faith. When someone says they want to build up a level of trust they really mean that their trust in someone previously had been badly damaged and that they are cautious and have barriers that they need to remove over time. Totally understandable in this day and age. However by not trusting in the beginning you are denying the possibilities of truth at the early stages. You are skeptical and unforgiving to avoid hurt. Do you believe that love at first sight requires months of trust building afterwards?

Caution is inherently valuable when dating and being careful with what we are being led to believe is wise, but only up to a point. To not be believed takes away the romance of an occasion. Love is often about spontaneity and risk and to this extent we often find that powerful kind of emotional love when we are younger. As time goes by we are adept to trust people less due to a history of deceit and being lied to. It is often said that we get harder as we get older. That is a shame. How then can we hope to regain that level of innocent and powerful love and romance we may have experienced when we were, say 18 years old?

Think about the opening quote I made, and ask yourself how open you really are to new people,situations and emotions. Have yo reached a point where it would be impossible to go back and be immediately trusting, or do you think that with the right person you could throw caution to the wind. By analyzing yourself in this way, you can interpret how a future relationship might develop. Where a previous relationship has been abusive, trust will of course take time to build up but at the same time you can be cautious and semi-open. To do this you must date wisely and you must select potential partners well. This is why I often emphasize how and why you must plan your dating carefully.

To find a future relationship that has romance and passion you do need to open up your heart and you do need to find a level of trust in someone fairly early on that will allow your potential partner to feel that sense of romance and passion too. Someone who constantly feels that have to prove themselves will quickly get tired if they are genuine and will ultimately move on. None of us want to be seen as untrustworthy so keep that in the back of your mind.

When you date it is very natural to ask lots of questions and note the answers, even if they are hidden deep within happy conversation. Cross checking on the first few dates is natural too and often the path to quickly building that trust. Few people are expert liars and this is because it requires an stupendously good memory. Most people who try and mislead you will be caught out by the second or third date. This is why you should never sleep with a person too soon either. So taking your time when dating will allow trust to build because you will feel confident in what you are being told.

The other thing to bear in mind is that the specifics of trust are not written in stone. There are few people in this word who haven't told a little white lie. Dating can be a powerful and emotional experience and people want to make a good impression. Therefore on any first few dates you can imagine that some minor details may have been exaggerated. This does NOT mean the person you are dating is bad. But you do need to satisfy yourself of the truth and decide accordingly. Where you do need to be cautious is when you are kept in the dark about more key details such as career, area they live in, friends, and family etc. A person who is open and truly honest will be able to talk for hours about anything that crops up. Evasive behavior should always be treated with caution.

Once a relationship has developed then you will have already covered the foundations of trust, otherwise you will not have got this far. But caution still prevails which is why people like relationships to develop slowly as they grow older. Your levels of trust in someone may well be gradual until you reach a plateau where you can then make some major decisions to take your new relationship to another level. Such as moving in together or making vacation plans.

The key aspect of trust in any relationship is trusting your own judgment. It has got you this far in life so why start worrying now? If you truly believe you are right then go with it because as I said earlier, putting your faith in someone always involves risk. If you are unable to take that risk, your new relationship cannot grow. Buy a calculated risk is different than throwing caution to the wind, which is why you must be patient. Chemistry plays a major part in successful relationships and therefore you will know when things feel right.

Whilst I agree fully with the opening sentiment and I personally do trust from the very start because that's the kind of person I am, my own rule about trust when dating and in any relationships is a very basic premise: "If you suspect something, you are very probably right."

"Dating and Sex: Good Advice About Sex on Dates"

Sex: It’s always a difficult subject when dating. You can't get away from it -- dating and sex are inextricably interlinked. Even for those couples whose religious beliefs dictate that sex will remain within the boundaries of marriage, sex is a matter of concern and discussion. For many modern daters, though, sex is initially a test of compatibility -- a big one. If you don't have chemistry in bed, you won't be going much further. Many try to downplay it, but sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. If there are issues in the bedroom, they will later manifest somewhere else, and your partnership will probably never be solid.

Just like dating sites try to match you by your interests and hobbies, you should try to find your sexual match while dating. If you have certain sexual preferences, you should seek partners who share your preferences. If you are shy or sex does not play a big part in your world, then actively seek someone similar. There is no point dating a stallion if you don't enjoy sex. Your lifestyle also plays a big part in this type of compatibility – if your partner is very interested in sex but you work 80 hours a week and are always exhausted, your relationship could have some fundamental issues.

The importance of sexual compatibility cannot be underestimated. We all need to feel desirable and desired, and a lack of those feelings will surface at some point to damage the relationship. A special closeness may be lost. This doesn’t necessarily mean just sex per se, but any form of intimacy or romance. If you share each other's bed, you need to want to be in that bed next to the person you choose. Therefore, for those who say that sex is not important, then their partner must feel the same way too.

Another issue worth mentioning is how frequently sex occurs in the early dates. This is a great shame. Certainly from a woman's point of view, however emancipated you may be, your greatest gift is your body. A man who is attracted to you will want to sleep with you, yes. However, if you really want that man and would like to build a relationship it is absolutely essential that you do not sleep with him in the early stages. Both men and women cannot afford to ignore this advice. Desire over a longer period will capture the feelings and interest of a man. His emotions and feelings will become heightened the more elusive you are sexually. There is absolutely no gain to be had in having sex on the first few dates unless your aim is purely sexual too.

An honest man will tell you that if he has sex with a girl on a first date, he may enjoy it, but he probably won’t want to date her seriously because the mystery and the challenge are gone. Men are hunters and enjoy the chase, and the longer the chase goes on, the greater his respect and the more likely a woman will win his heart. Unfortunately, this playing-hard-to-get routine has its limits – wait too long and you may lose him! You may either become pigeonholed as the “friend” if you wait too long, or, if you two are not open in your discussions of your relationship and sex life, he may feel you are not attracted to him. So how long is long enough? Comedian Steve Harvey noted that companies usually withhold benefits from new employees for about 90 days, and that women too should withhold sex from new boyfriends for this same “trial” period. Every relationship is different, and the choice for each individual is his or her own. Just know that if you want to build the foundation of a lasting relationship, hold off on getting intimate and you’ll have a better chance of a lasting love.

Guys, do your dates a favor and back off from pressuring her for sex in the early stages of dating. It comes across as sleazy and manipulative. Don’t even talk or refer to sex on the first several dates if you want to be respectful. If all you want is sex, don’t go looking for it through traditional dating or dating services. You both should be on clear terms about what you want out of the date, and if sex wasn’t agreed upon beforehand (you didn’t meet via a “Casual Encounters” ad), then assume this is a date and she is looking for a potential relationship. I hope than anyone reading this article is looking for advice on proper and respectful dating rather than cheap thrills.

The first time two people sleep together can be amazing if there is great anticipation and build up but can equally be an absolute disaster because of that same anticipation and build up. Frequently it is the latter. It takes time to get to know each other in bed so lower your expectations and never base the quality of sex on that very first time. Things can change and get a whole lot better. This is where your communication skills will be at their most important. Often we expect partners to read our minds and know exactly what will make us respond and feel good. It’s not fair to put those sorts of expectations on another person, particularly since he or she can’t possibly live up to them. If you’ve waited to sleep together, have built some trust and mutual admiration, your first time together may not be fireworks, but it should be warm and satisfying nonetheless.

Some basic points to remember:

• Never sleep with someone on the first date
• Don’t even mention sex on the first (or first few) dates
• Never ever talk about sex with your ex when dating
• Never admit how many people you have slept with
• Date people to whom you are physically attracted
• Don’t pretend sex isn’t important – it is
• Being sexy is not the same as being easy
• Kissing does not mean sex
• Have sex the first time where you are most comfortable
• Always practice safe sex
• Good sex is a good start, but bad sex can get better
• Avoid people who are selfish in their sexual needs
• Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable
• Make sure you know enough about your new partner before becoming intimate
• Never allow yourself to be rushed into sex if you’re not ready

"Family Gatherings: Being Single at Weddings"

Last week the phone rang. One of the worst kind of phone calls, the one that keeps you awake at night. The kind of ring tone that makes you stop dead in your tracks and breathe deeply to overcome that instant feeling of dread. I couldn't explain it. I just knew. 'Hello, I hope you haven't forgotten that it's your uncle Trevor's wedding next Saturday and will you be bringing anyone nice with you?' And I could hear myself let out a silent scream. I was sure I had frightened the next door cat but in fact it was inaudible. How do they do that, how do they manage to remind you and make you feel as if you are an aged spinster or hermit in so few words.

I'm a single guy. Admittedly I am 37 and single and still never married and much that my mother weeps over the lack of grandchildren, she put son a stoic face when yet another family gathering takes place. Generally I am sure she makes gentle excuses to friends about how busy I am with career and how I am doing so well whilst at the same time wondering if I really do like the opposite sex. But nothing is more uncomfortable than being placed in the arena of family life where relatives near and far get you all to themselves to quiz you as if it was the final question in Who wants to be a Millionaire. Perhaps I am The Weakest Link! And nothing is more ideal for such a situation than a family wedding.

Now you and I both know that we are going to be asked one thousand times before the big event who we are bringing with us. To announce nonchalantly that we are coming alone is generally treated with silent disgust so it's back to the almost-melted phone to try and fathom out how we can cajole into being our invited guest. The dread in fact started a few weeks earlier when the actual invitation arrived.

The invitation sits staring at you and eventually has to be dealt with. Of course there is the possibility of simply turning up at the wedding ceremony alone and just freestyling it with enough beer, champagne or wine inside you sink the Titanic however you won't get away that easily my friend. Apart from a cast of thousands watching you with sideways glances and nudging winks as you enter on your own, there is the empty chair next to you to contend with as well as the place next to you at the after-ceremony dinner. Because however cleanly you explain that you won't be bringing anyone, they will set two places anyway. Almost to show you what you are missing to everyone else.

Okay so let's get on the phone and round up an ex. An ex partner is always good for weddings as everyone already knows them and you are comfortable enough to find them your ally in your hour of need. They will of course accompany you to make you feel severely uncomfortable, quaff as much free drink as they can and flirt with the best man or bridesmaid outrageously, as well as getting admirably drunk and dancing just to shame you. Of course the family loved you ex which is why you should never ever invite them. The wedding gives them ample opportunity to drone on about how you made such a loving couple and mistakenly how it will be your turn next. They will ask prying questions like why you guys ever split up. The fact that they never saw how your ex used to eat banana fritters in bed at 5am or leave the basin full of hair has nothing of course to do with it. Secretly of course, your ex wants you back and will turn the evening into a dialogue about how you should both get back together and give it another try. Avoid.

The second option is to bring along a friend of the opposite sex. Big mistake. What will happen on this occasion is that your prying relatives will decide that you are a match made in heaven. Add a couple of bottles of champagne into the equation and before you know it, you will have slept with your best friend and woken up with the hangover from hell and all your relatives will have matched you up for the next ceremony and feel wrongly proud of their matchmaking abilities. Don't go there.

Okay so at this point its time to think about bringing the person along who you have dated three times but don't really like. She or he will do nicely as you don't really see yourselves being together but you can pretend and your guest will be impressed. Wrong. Your relatives will smell the sense of fear on your guest and make a B-line to them to reassure that you are a nice boy or girl really. The family will trawl our endless tales of when you were three and were sick down your cousin's neck at a christening. If your burgeoning relationship wasn't doomed before it is now. Your relatives have just been replaced by the cast of the Adams family. Your guest will be able to see what they would be marrying into and well meaning relatives will revel in making you squirm. It should be an Olympic sport.

Right so it's decided then. Go it alone and take the consequences. You will deal with the empty chair next to you scenario later. Great. Not great. If you do announce that you are coming alone there is the great difficulty of where you are going to be seated. As you are a single number the seating plan has become troublesome. You could run the gauntlet and be placed with Aunt Rose and other assorted relatives. But you won't be given that chance. No, you are more likely to find yourself on the 'weirdo table' behind the pillar at the back. It's always the way. How come all the single strange folk are placed at the furthermost outpost of a wedding dinner. Here you can dwell like long lost inmates of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest whilst pointed whispers from distant tables are carried over on the breeze of the quartets' music in the corner.

On the other hand, a fate worse than death means you will be seated next to second cousin Edwin(a) who everyone has decided is now your perfect match.. You and I know that hell needs to freeze over before you'd ever go near this person but fate, my friend, is no longer in your hands. The full battle force of relatives have taken over and are watching in glee as you try and stay as far away from your proposed match as you can whilst seated directly next to them. They will squeal with delight as they announce loudly how you make the ideal couple and why you had never seen it before. Pray and pray some more. Then run.

At the wedding reception, you have not yet realized that this isn't just a wedding celebration but a gladiatorial spectacle with you feeding the lions. This manifests itself at the outset by every well meaning elderly couple interrogating you about if you are single, why you are single, whether you eat properly and if you have any friends. They usually look incredulous when you say that you do actually cook for yourself and they then usually respond by asking what you cook as if once again you have just descended from space or are 3 years old. You will have to repeat this conversation with approximately 15 separate elderly relatives smelling of Lavender before heading of outside the marquee to take up smoking again.

The final insults are so numerous we should make a list. As a woman you will be expected to catch the Bride's bouquet before enduring a marathon' its your turn next' dialogue.. During the service the wedding vows will remind you of why you are still single and probably now always will be. Dancing after the ceremony with awkward gangly teenagers will make you realize you are only a stone's throw from old age and death, and all the while you will wondering if your own wedding is going to be like this whilst secretly promising that you'll only get married on a desert island with no family whatsoever.

Going home at the end of it all to a silent house is one of the biggest feelings of relief you will ever feel and your single home will never look more inviting. Put your feet up and have a coffee and next time that phone rings..don't answer it.

Romance in Dating: Does Romance Exist?

A few months ago I had a notion for a few days that maybe, just maybe romance had gone and vanished for good. Maybe I was having an off day, who knows. But it gave me the notion to think about the subject of romance and put pen to paper (well keyboard actually).

Is love and romance dead do you think? I don't think so at all. After pondering the question I came to the decision that romance must be alive and well and living in all of us, it may just be hiding. Well most of us anyway. It is a question that women may be accused of asking more than men. But I know a lot of men who would ask the same question. Listen to me when I say – romance is not dead; even if it can appear to be dead some days. The question is, why do we think its has gone?

The answer of course does depend on what you mean by romance. Romance is many different things to many different people. It can mean kissing in the rain, it can mean holding a door open, showing respect, buying flowers, moving a seat, supporting an arm, making a Valentine’s card, creating surprises for your loved one, even helping them when they are in need, but it generally relates directly to affection and togetherness. Romance is the art of demonstrating your feelings in an outward fashion and making someone feel special. You won’t be romantic to someone you don’t want romance with, so it is a coming together of two like minded people that allows romance to flourish.

Why do we think that love and romance have gone? This is most obviously demonstrated in a passionless world where sex has become main stream. Sex of course is not romance. Sex is exactly that, sex. It may be part of romance, it may be integral to love and a relationship, but romance is something altogether different. Romance appears to have vanished in our lives because people are so busy, so directional, so needy for the things that assist them in functioning. In other words, our lives are quite selfish really. We may not like to admit it, but we do first, what helps ourselves, and then secondly we help others. With romance, your own needs are subjugated by your own free will to allow for the benefit of your chosen partner.

Men are often accused of not being romantic, and being too practical instead. That may be true yes, but it is not fair on men to say that all the time. The practicality of men often belies their romantic nature. By fixing something up, be repairing , mending, doing, helping, that’s often a man showing consideration , effort, attention, affection and yes, ladies, romance! The problem is, the lady doesn’t always see it that way. Covered all day in oil in the yard is not romantic, except perhaps in a movie or two. Arguing with a waiter or in a shop is not assisting, it is being belligerent and rude and therefore not romantic in the least. However do try and understand that a man thinks that if he is assisting or helping, he is being considerate.

When considering love and romance, romance is about effort, about winning favor, about deserving love, about respect. One only needs to read Chaucer’s The Knight’s Tale to read a full description on the concept of romance. What I am arguing is that if you want to be romantic, you need to understand what it is to be romantic. Does it mean you need to watch French cinema, read romantic novels, listen to romantic music. Maybe yes it does! Our world can be a soulless world, and more often that not romance is missing from our daily lives. But it needn’t be so. I argue that if you are willing and able to relearn romance for yourself, then you can begin to practise it. Romance is not a definite art from. Just because the person you're with buys you a rose, doesn’t make them any more romantic. But maybe it is a romantic gesture if it is spontaneous.

The largest arrangement of red roses, the most expensive seat at the opera, the most luxurious car in the lot are not romantic, especially when they are regularly provided. Romance is about small thoughts and expression, about giving and feeling, about caring for someone and wanting to show someone how special they are. It’s about the details, about the small things in life that you put a lot of attention into especially to make someone else’s life better on one way or another. Now that is romance.

Valentine’s day is a commercial day we know but I often think it is sad on 14th February each year when I see so many people pacing along after work clutching expensive roses and cards. It is nice to show you love someone, but if this is the only day in a year you do so then where did the romance go? Every day is a day to buy and send flowers, every day is a day to make someone a hand made card, a scribbled note, asingle flower from the garden, a note on the pillow, a surprise breakfast, a surprise outing, even just a phone call when it's needed. That, my friend, is romance.

"Advice for Dealing with New Relationships"

When we are actively dating we sometimes forget what the end game is all about - relationships. We can forget why we are dating in the first place and what we hope to achieve. The result of this is that when we finally meet someone we like and spend time with them and start falling in love, we panic. This doesn't just apply to the archetypal male, but to women too. Yes getting involved is scary stuff. Remember this why you are dating in the first place. The end result of dating is a relationship, maybe a long term one, maybe a relationship even leading to marriage. Therefore take your time and get it right.
We can argue all day about when dating becomes a relationship. Maybe after 3 months, maybe after sex. Maybe after meeting their parents, even after moving in together. For some a relationship begins at engagement, for others it occurs the moment the other party agrees to see them again. It doesn't matter. One day, we all accept that today we are in a relationship. Okay what should we do to sustain it?
Communicate
Talk to each other. Talk a lot, and keep talking. The first thing that goes wrong in any relationship is a change in communication. Simply put, people stop trying and relax. People in relationships stop communicating (gradually) and this quickly turns into taking your partner for granted. Fact. When your better half comes home from work talk to them about whatever they like, even if you are tired. And the 100% rule of thumb is always always ALWAYS look at your partner when you are listening and talking. I have seen this more than I can ever describe, one person in a relationship talking, the other repeatedly saying yes whilst looking somewhere else. If you want your relationship to remain fresh, interesting and inspired, communicate on every level.
Enjoy Yourselves
Have fun in relationships as though you were on a first date. Being with someone is fun, exciting, interesting and loving. Just because you have been seeing each other for a while makes no difference at all. Fun is fun, whatever the age, you should be laughing and having great time even if you have been together 40 years, so coming home and stating that you are tired and dreary every day won't wash. You were not like that when you began to date so keep it alive by constantly finding ways to have fun together. Laughter heels a lot of ills and at the end of the day, you are together because you enjoy each other's company. That should never change.
It Takes Two to Tango
Relationships are not one sided affairs but a commitment and agreement between two people to want to share their space, time, company and lives together. If you are not married you are not obliged to do this with anyone at all so if its not working out don't hang about. If it is working out then make sure that you both keep putting into the relationship and investing in your joint well-being. As long as you are both involved in your relationship it will work. The problem arises where one feels it is simply too one sided. So always take a rain check every now and again to ensure that you are both as fully committed as you should be.
We are Not the Same
Accept that you are not the same people, neither clones of each other. You have separate interests , hobbies, emotions and moods. Be empathetic and sympathetic to each other as well as giving each other the regular space they require without too much questioning. Just because you have come together for your common good doesn't mean that you don't need an afternoon off occasionally and neither does it mean that you love each other any less. Ensure you retain your space and special time and activities and retain your self identity as needed. If this causes a problem you guys need to talk.
People are Human
No one in this world is prefect. No one, not even me! Ha ha, seriously, when we meet someone we like and we begin our relationship we may well have set high standards and that is fine, but human beings have lots of strange quirks and foibles and ways of doing things. Not everything will meet with your approval and mot every element of behavior will be perfect. We don't like in an ideal world and we don't live in fantasy land. Difficult relationships are absolutely normal and understanding that is the key. We all begin by dreaming that everything will be perfect and then something happens that upsets us. Take this in your stride. Accept it and move past it. Loving someone is about everything in life, not just about idealistic romance.
Arguing May Be Healthy
One of the problems in relationships isn't just the lack of communication that can develop, but the retention of problems inside that are allowed to build up and then release uncontrollably. If there is a problem we should talk about it. Personally I hate arguing and it is not part of my ideal relationship view. However there is a great deal to be said for having a good shout and a good argument. It releases frustrations and discontent and quickly brings things to the fore. We release our frustrations and suddenly we are communicating. Stress is released and we feel better. And in any relationship the best thing about an argument is the afterwards where we feel emotional, sorry for getting angry, and we make up in the most passionate of ways.
Keep Having Sex
How many times have you heard that married people don't have sex. We don't have the room here to discuss the vast reasons why, but boredom and complacency often creep in. Lack of creativity, over familiarity and routine are all concerns and causes. A married friend once told me that he and his wife don't have sex for 6 months and when they finally do it feels like they are new lovers again. This last for another 6 months then they stop again. A cycle that has gone on for 7 years! Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you don't match in the bedroom you are kidding yourselves and ultimately you may have longer term problems. To keep a relationship going well, make sure that you do not neglect the bedroom - and anywhere else for that matter!
Don't Change
Keep dating your partner and keep the romance alive. Love them like you just met the,. Surprise them constantly and buy flowers when you want to. Little notes and gifts are important as is attention and time spent with each other. Whilst you may both have regular commitments that is absolutely no excuse not to call spontaneously or to make breakfast in bed for your partner unexpectedly. Whilst people naturally do change over longer periods of time, it is down to both of you to keep the passion alive and to do so you do need to make the dating effort. So my advice is keep dating your partner and make them feel freshly loved.
Relationships Take Work
Yes, don't fool yourself. You parents may have been married for 40 years but that doesn't mean that I has been easy. They will often say that relationships and marriages take a lot of work. What they mean is a great deal of understanding, compromise, negotiation and overcoming of problems and difficulties along the way. Making time for each other is essential as are shared experiences, vacations and simply being there. Making your relationship a priority in your lives is also absolutely essential. Often this will mean putting yourself second and taking a back seat. It may mean that your choices aren't a priority and that you won't always be first. Solid relationships are about compromise and acceptance so don't underestimate what that means. Nothing worth having ever came for free.

"Ridiculous Dates and Time Wasters We Despise"

I was thinking the other day that I have been on some ridiculous dates in my time. Some have been a waste of my time and some have been utter fiasco's that barely require repeating. I got wondering as to how they happened in the first place and my answer was that I had let my guard down and had began to date people who weren't really compatible at all. Maybe it was because of recent abstinence from sex, or perhaps due to a need for company and affection - but in these circumstances I find myself agreeing to all sorts of idiocy.
Be assured that when you are dating you will meet your fair share of eccentrics, wasters and fools. You will meet those who will simply waste your time, show you little respect or have no idea why they are there. You will meet those who will make excuses and leave and a few who will not turn up at all. And on almost all occasions you do well to realize that it has very little to do with you. It takes all kinds to make a world and you will meet all kinds when you are dating.
The thing to remember when dating is that you are almost certain not going to hit the jackpot first time. It does happen occasionally particularly when younger (but for other reasons); but as we grow older we have harder criteria to meet and match with. Dating is a lottery, that's for sure. People will date you to see whether they can date you. They don't really want it to go anywhere, they simply want the sense of achievement from you saying yes. And that applies to men and to women.
I have met some real losers in my time. People who hadn't got a clue what they were doing. People who had probably last been to dinner when the menu was written in Latin. I have met the socially inept, the downright arrogant, the rude and vicious, the loud and raucous and the occasional stalker. And looking back I probably wouldn't have changed a thing except to say that I wish they hadn't cost me so much money and wasted so much of my time. The real ridiculous losers who I wish I had never dated are the ones who wasted more of my time that I can remember. The ones who kept me hanging on whilst they sorted out their own frail mental well-being. The ones who were 'confused' about their feelings and weren't sure if they could commit. Oh please. The most ridiculous people I have dated though without a doubt were the people who told lies and thought I would be too stupid to spot them.
Here is a lovely list of some ridiculous dating scenarios I have encountered over the years. I am sure yours are better or similar to mine but it just goes to show my friends that we are not alone! I have not included names to spare the not-so-innocent but you know who you are.
A girl I met in New York and temporarily dated for a few weeks decided to spend three months phoning me every day when I was in Toronto. As she was a great girl I was extremely flattered but very wary as she had not been able to give any commitment previously. Anyway after being harangued for three months I relented and agreed to a romantic weekend back in Manhattan with her as she lived in New Jersey. She duly arranged my flights via Pittsburgh to La Guardia and booked me into the Grand Hyatt on 42nd Street for 3 nights. On landing I phoned her on a her cell phone to see where we would be meeting and she said that this weekend was not so good as she was busy ! She said she may be able to meet for dinner on Sunday evening! Today was Friday. So I spent three solitary days in New York by myself seeing the sights and walking for miles. I never did get an explanation but lets just say that I decided she was insane.
I met a very excitable girl on a dating site who seemed to be really lovely. After a couple of weeks of chatting I agreed to get the train to London where we could meet for dinner. As I was pulling into the station after a 6 hours journey beginning at 5am my phone rang. The girl asked if I had arrived and we had a short chat. On arriving at my hotel the girl called again to say that she wouldn't be meeting me as she had heard an echo on my phone and believed that I was a married man calling from my London apartment and disguising the fact that I was married !! This was based on no evidence whatsoever. After reasoning with her she did turn up to meet me in a bar. Well I presume she did as I had long since gone home. Ridiculous.
When living in Hong Kong I dated a very lovely local girl from Kowloon for a couple of weeks and we danced and dined out and laughed and went sightseeing. We never kissed or touched as is the Chinese way and kept things on a platonic level. One night in a thunderstorm on the Peak above central Hong Kong we kissed for the first time and she announced that she had decided that we would be married and that she intended to see me every day from now on. Without asking she attempted to move into my room, brought her things and refused to leave. What began as a kiss within hours turned into a comic case of stalking unparalleled in my experience. The phone had to be kept off and my movements varied. Weeks later I left Hong Kong and never went back. Be careful who you kiss!
I remember dating a girl who believed she was the world's greatest liar. She would come out with lots of amazing stories about who she had been with and where and it was clear every time that they were made up. In fact it was so obvious that she was lying that even her friends would cringe. She would always get very angry if any questions were asked but the ridiculous thing was that she really did think I believed her. In fact she was so much of a liar that to this day it is impossible to speak to her due to still trying to convince me of untruths.
You could make up excuses for these kinds of behavior but its always best just to smile and put it down to experience. Life isn't so serious when dating and most of the people you meet are lovely. It is the eccentricities of people that make me laugh. But the ones that hurt are the ones where people tell lies to fool you. Like the girl I dated who went to visit her sister in Barcelona. She told me it was for a few weeks and each week would say she would be back shortly. After three months she had not returned and it transpired that she was now actually living in Barcelona and dating a guy from the US. However she found it easier to keep me hanging on than tell the truth. These are the people we can do without.
Be Cautious as Follows:
Don't put yourself out on a limb for a new date
Don't travel unnecessarily unless you are sure
Don't believe everything you are told initially
Don't trust everything you perceive at first
Women can be as manipulative as men can be
Do laugh about your dating mishaps later
Have a sense of humor when dating
Try and be philosophical about the ridiculous nature of events
Don't spend too much money when dating initially
Don't expect too much when dating a lot, just relax
Put life and people down to experience
You will kiss a few frogs before you find a prince
Make sure you are prepared for what you are getting into
Always get photos of people you met on the Internet first
Don't let people waste your time and never be too accommodating
If people have wasted your time don't give a second chance and walk away

"Dating: Memories of The Best Dates We Ever Had"

The best dates we have ever been on are the ones that were the most fun with the best company. They may not end in blinding love or marriage but they may have lived on with us because we enjoyed them so much. There was something memorable about them. Lots of dates are mundane, dull, meaningless repetition of standard question and answer sessions punctuated by some forced humor and and attempt to keep things genuine whilst knowing the moment you exit the cafe, you will never see that person again. Personally I have traveled all over the country on dates and some have been truly awful and the odd one, spectacular.

The best dates are the simplest, the least forced, the most natural. The best dates can happen with a complete stranger out of nowhere, or are planned weeks in advance by making special plans to win your date's heart. I remember chatting with a person on an Internet dating site on Saturday evening and within an hour of first chatting we had met for a drink. That Saturday evening in Chicago was tremendous fun, the person fantastic company, 4 hours of laughter and great food. We swapped life stories and details of the smallest things about our lives and for those briefest of hours everything was fabulous. Due to travel etc., we never met again but the point is that a perfect date can really be that unplanned.

I think it's true that when we plan something too far in advance we can get carried away and build things up to much higher levels than is really justified. If I know we are going on a date three weeks on Saturday I will start planning, however much I try not to. What will I wear, how will I wear my hair, what will they be like, will anything come of it. And so on. Before you know it, a simple date has turned into the planning of Woodstock.

In other words, simple spontaneous dates are the best. Formality too tends to wreck the best dates. Somewhere too formal doesn't allow both parties to relax and can be oppressive and stifling. The worry of getting everything right, ordering the correct dishes, selecting the right wine, even paying the check. Particularly the right clothes. A self assured dating partner will allow things to flow more smoothly and put you at your ease but the point is, the best dates involve somewhere far more relaxed. It could be a diner an a walk in the park, a beach bar and a stroll on the beach. So always choose something where both people can be comfortable, kick off their shoes and just chill.

The best dates are ones that begin with few expectations and open into something much greater. A short meeting over a coffee ends up being a day long passionate conversation. A lunch hour one afternoon ends up taking over the whole day, even weekend. They are the best dates. Not expecting your date to be anything special and discovering that they are amazing, that is a good date too. Two people who end up becoming a couple will always remember how they met and what they did so it is always important to put some thought into every date you go on.

I think if you date continually for the sake of it then you will have some idea of your idea of a perfect date and how it would go. Even if you haven't met anyone fabulous lately you can still imagine what best dates should be like for you. There are a great many clichés surrounding dates, from sunsets over blue lagoons to romantic restaurants in Rome. They are things we can aspire to in our fantasies. But having great dates means being open minded, being open to new people, new ideas and very good conversation. I often observe friends with their lists of questions that they reel off as they go through the motions on a first date and wonder why they get nowhere.

My method always involves meeting and greeting my date like I have know them years. In this way I put myself and them at easy. I love to talk so I always try and get us both to chat about anything and everything over a glass of wine. If it flows naturally then great, if it doesn't then its fine as I always set a mental time limit at first. My favorite best dates have always been with charming individuals who are interesting and interested. They have always been brief encounters the first time where I am dying to meet them again. They are instant adrenaline shots, they are eye opening meetings that me salivate with anticipation. I put some of that down to trying to date the kind of people I get along with but also being extremely receptive to new ideas.

Your best dates with differ from mine probably, but the point is, treasure best dates as excellent memories and experiences. You have met some great people and you are going to meet a few more along the way before your dating is done.

"Romantic Dating Tips: How to be Romantic"

Romance is at the heart of any dating experience. If you don't consider yourself romantic then you are wrong. I don't know of anyone on this planet who doesn't have the ability to fall in love. Therefore if you can fall in love, you can be romantic too. Romance is not in the grand gestures , it is in the small details. Women will often say that it is the small things that matter. The small gestures but it is down to both men and women to start being romantic. It is a two-way process and both parties get an immense amount of pleasure from showing they care about someone. Yes we would all love to have a romantic picnic on a deserted Caribbean beach with the person of our dreams but romance begins closer to home with tips such as these:

• Understand what romance means and why it is important and learn what romantic aspects there are to your own character. No one has a heart made of stone, however tough their exterior.
• Understand that romance is not the sole domain of women and that men who are romantic are far more successful when dating
• Romance has nothing whatsoever to do with masculinity. In fact, being romantic can enhance your masculinity and reputation with girls.
• Not all women are naturally romantic either but that doesn't have to be the case.
• The key to being romantic is thoughtfulness. So start being a little less thoughtless and selfish.
• Communicate with your partner on every level and anticipate their desires and needs.
• Look at your partner when they are talking and hold their gaze
• Learn that mood, location, situation and ambience can heighten romance with dramatic effect
• Phone just to say hello, I love you and surprise your partner
• Learn to say, I love you and mean it. Don't say it ever, if you don't mean it
• Send them notes and small cards telling them you are thinking of them
• Be spontaneous and do little deeds that show you are thinking about them
• Start going for walks together, whatever the weather
• Put your partner first, particularly as a surprise with a spontaneous trip away
• Think creatively and plan a surprise weekend away
• Buy flowers any time of the year, nice ones not just roses
• Remember birthdays, anniversaries and landmark days such as the day you first met and plan something
• Listen to the clues your partner gives you, such as things they like and books they read and buy little gifts
• Keep being romantic. In a good relationship, romance never ends
• Compromise. Putting yourself first is not romantic.
• Write him/her a letter and let them know that you love them and you mean it. People send far few letters these days. Use good quality stationery too.
• Watch romantic movies together and invest quality time doing the things you share and both enjoy
• Make cards rather than buying them. It shows thought and inspiration.
• Take your partner on a picnic to the park or beach and prepare in advance without involving them. Initiative illustrates romance nicely
• Don't be a cold fish. Learn how to hug, cuddle and make physical contact. Touching without sex is far more romantic but don't always hug without kissing!
• Kiss your date and learn to appreciate the finer qualities of kissing for its own sake
• Dance together when the occasion arises and show them special attention
• Hold hands and do anything make your partner feel close to you
• Hold and hug your partner in bed, especially after sex
• Talk chat and converse about anything and everything
• Allow your partner to breathe and do separate things to heighten the sense of romance when you are together
• If you don't cook dinner for your date, start learning my friend. A surprise dinner with candles is romantic
• Buy small gifts spontaneously that show great thought in what they enjoy. But not too many otherwise it has the opposite effect
• Remember that romance is often about giving of yourself, even if it is simply your precious time when you could have had other plans. Making your partner a priority is vital
• Do things that make you both laugh. Laughter and romance go hand in hand
• Remember that romance is in the small details and does not need to be expensive in any way. I'd rather receive a handmade card any day than an expensive gift
• Anticipate your partner's wishes and desires to show them you are listening to them and that you care
• Expect rightfully that romance is a two-way process though the romance you provide is simply giving of yourself

"Are You a Dating Enigma, or Too Available?"

Here is a truth, most people are too available. Far too available when dating. Think about the things you aspire to, good clothes, expensive Italian car perhaps, Tiffany jewelry, Rolex watches, a 100 foot yacht. Whatever. The fact is, the things we most want or desire in life are often the least accessible. Things are seen to be worthwhile because they are rare. Rarity is the key ingredient here. The less we can get hold of something, the more we want it after the initial need or feeling of desire is created.

The unobtainable is oh so sweet, from the catwalk supermodel to Brad Pitt, we can dream but we cannot have. And that, my friends is the point of this article. When you date stop being so available, stop being at the end of a phone, stop being available 24 hours a day and start being elusive. Why? Because for the reasons I have just said. Create the need and then remove it and the desire factor goes through the roof.

The problem with following this brief piece of advice is that it is extremely difficult for mere mortals to do. When we meet someone we really like we stop playing games, we want to be with them, we want to see them 24 hours a day, our waking hours are devoted to our next meeting. The problem is, our date may not see things the same way and soon boredom can set in. Worse, by being too available we cheapen our own attractiveness, we become far less rare, far more common and sadly far less desirable.

So what we need to do is train ourselves to be enigmatic and elusive and stop being so available. A friend of mine worked in a bar in new York and was always attracting girls but he never appeared to get anywhere after the first couple of dates. He is a lovely guy and probably one of the most reliable men I have ever met. He wanted to know why women seemed to lose interest in him and stopped calling so we performed an experiment. He was asked not to call the women he dated, maybe once but after that let the women chase. They would leave messages, he didn't reply, if he did it was a while later. So they would pop into the bar to see him but he never offered to make new arrangements first though he maintained their interest levels and very soon he discovered that the girls were now chasing him! The point here was that he had become elusive, he had an air of mystery now, he was someone the girls wanted to get to know. He was achallenge.

It has happened to me on numerous occasions that I have let myself become too available. I had to learn the hard way. I met a beautiful girl whilst working in New York City and it appeared to be perfect from the moment we met, so much so that I threw my dating rules out of the window and we spent almost two full weeks together. Then all of a sudden it stopped. And she wanted to call things off. The fact was that I had become too available for her, I was there whenever she wanted, I had altered my routine too soon, too quickly and too much for things to work out. Of course I was available for all the right reasons but it had completely the wrong effect. I lost the girl.

So when you meet someone you like, by all means get started down the dating path but ensure that you keep to your regular schedule and don't be available every day. If you are free both days a the weekend, one is for you, one is for your date at first. If you are free Tuesday and Thursday for dinner, let them know which is better for you. If they suggest Tuesday, you suggest Thursday. Don't call so frequently (which is extremely hard to do) and don't always answer your phone (yes really) and make sure that you can bring plenty of separate activity information back to your date when you do meet up.

For all the crazy forced separation, the dates you will have will be all the more spectacular. For many of you reading this you will think I am crazy or have misgivings about trying to do this and I bet that many of you won't listen when you meet the person you are crazy about. The fact is, the less available you are to a degree, the more likely you will succeed in getting your Mr. Right. Create the demand, become the diamond and then become as difficult as a top jewelers to get into, but sustain the desire factor - that's the way it works.

"The Second Date: Dating Tips For Meeting Up Again"

Once you have had a successful first date and have made contact again to establish a second meeting it is amazing how many people start questioning the situation and worrying unnecessarily. When people arrange a second date confidence levels should be high because you have already established a mutual attraction and interest level so don't forget that he/she has already indicated they like you a lot. The first date may have been short and sweet but the desire is high on both sides and so it is now that you need to develop the situation into something more concrete.
1. If you are going to blow the situation it is now. You got over the first major hurdle but now she or he will be paying particular attention to seek confirmation about certain assumptions they have already made. If you presented a false image first time round you will get caught out now. If you told lies, you will have to be extremely careful about what you say.
2. If we establish that you weren't creating a facade on the first date and were being yourself then the second date is to establish more of the same but on a grander scale with more detail. This is the perfect opportunity to move your dating away from the dinner table or bar and into a weekend day out.
3. It is still too early to offer dinner at your own apartment or theirs but you need more time now to get to know each other and the phone won't assist you. You need human contact and interaction with your love-interest. I therefore recommend you establish if possible a Saturday or Sunday lunchtime to meet so that you can combine a coffee or light lunch with a walk in the park or on the beach, maybe throw a ball about or go to a sporting occasion.
4. A second date is too early for theater or movies because you must communicate a lot at this stage. Therefore you need a place to walk and talk and start to feel comfortable in each others' company. Book shops, browsing, a market, antique stalls, a sport, a club, a shopping trip. The options are endless. But as you both feel you need to seek out some further intimacy a lunchtime meeting can extend throughout the afternoon and into evening, depending on how you feel about one another.
4. A weekend afternoon lends itself to ebbs and flows, you can talk openly at a cafe table and then walk and feel how it is to walk next to your date. There may be the opportunity to hold hands or create spontaneous entertainment or even a small first kiss. The afternoon will lend itself to distractions for the first time with the things around you which will inject interesting equations into your communication dynamic.
5. Once again keep in mind an end time for this date. Allow things to flow but don't leave things so open ended that you appear hanging around as if you have nothing better to do. You have both just compromised your special off-duty time to be with each other but if you have plans for the evening then once again you appear busy and interesting. This is always essential to successful dating.
6. Once again, although your conversation on this second date will have more substance and credence to it, you should still shy away from discussing anything about ex relationships and sex. The enigma factor remains and whilst the desire and interest factor on both sides may be very high, too much too soon can easily spoil everything.
7. It is on this occasion that you will establish once and for all whether you both wish to continue establishing a basic relationship. Though we won't use that word at this stage as it is too early, it is in fact what is happening. You may tempt each other in a restaurant by feeding each other food, which is a sign of showing you can provide for each other. You may playfully tickle and touch and do the many subtle things that demonstrate attraction, but it is a situation that builds slowly. Therefore I recommend that you try and keep relaxed.
8. It is likely that you will be feeling a little uneasy because of your high interest levels and sense of attraction. You will feel an urgency to feel something more definite or concrete but this will not yet establish itself and therefore you must simply think of your second date as a dawning of your knowledge of each other and a time for fun. It is a moment to be savored.
9. If you haven't told your date you are attracted to them then you must at least tell them that you are having a great time. Using words is important but do NOT go over the top. The love word comes a long time later whatever you may be feeling. Yes love at first sight does happen, but you do not need to say it. However you should compliment your date and allow them some feeling of security by making them feel comfortable if possible. And they should do the same for you.
10. The second date is about fulfilling the promises established in the first date. It is about setting out future possibilities by getting to know each other and having fun. There is nothing more to add at this time because from now on you will do more of the same and continue to do so until your dating starts to become a relationship.
11. On the other hand, the second date also allows you to uncover some truths about your date you may have missed on the first date. It is a time for building the basics and therefore you will be able to establish if there is a way forward or whether this is the time to stop. If you don't wish to carry things on then there is nothing lost, you simply owe it to your date to be honest one way or another.

"Beginning A New Relationship"

Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.
The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.
For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!
After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best u can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.
If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.
There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.
People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.
The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.
You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.