Single Parents and Dating

This is a complex subject and I can't do it justice here but I offer some thoughts. Dating single parents should not be the problem it is and things are starting to move in the right direction at last. Being a single mother or father has never been easy when looking for a new partner. You are seen to be carrying a lot of baggage that a single person doesn't really have to take onboard if there are lots of single people around without children. That's the basic truth. In other words you are second choice to someone without kids in the largest section of single groups.
To be realistic, a proportion of eligible people are lost to you if you have children, for many reasons. For a start you will not trust everyone you meet and will have some specific criteria your new partner must match with for the safety of your family. Then some people will not want to have children for personal reasons and so they would not make suitable partners. Then others just wouldn't be suited to your family environment, maybe through career or outlook. Also worth noting is that many people do look for people with children for a variety of reasons, maybe because they have children too.
Yet its important to remember that we can easily see single people as having the whole singles market to themselves when in fact there are limitations on all of us. We may be short, or bald, or fat or thin or many things that some people don't want. In which case no one has it easy in the dating game.
The main problem with being a single parent attempting to date is one of image. Not your image of yourself, the image that other people have of you. You may not be a Valium-chomping, shopping bag- carrying, crying baby-cradling single mum, but its possible that others see that image in their head. Tag that along side the thoughts of a ready-made family with instant serious responsibilities and one can see where the problems may lay.
The fact is, being a single parent is a lonely business. Your social life is very restricted unless your ex has a lot of regular responsibility and custody of the children. You tend to stay in in the evenings and tend to your children as more than you do to your own needs. Soon enough you have become isolated and when you feel ready to date, its tricky to know where to begin. Worst still even if you do get a night out occasionally will you be able to meet anyone who wants to date you when you have children. And will you want to date them?
I went to see About a Boy last year starring Hugh Grant and I could identify with his character in that there are many single mums I know who are desperate to find a nice guy to date. But that doesn't mean to say it is easy pickings for any man that strolls along. I have found single parents have very definite views about who they would like to meet and who would fit into their lives. Being available simply isn't enough.
Many of my friends are single parents and the most common complaint is that people don't seem to be interested in them once they admit they have children who live at home. It's almost like it is too much hassle for a prospective date. However my single parents friends are the most caring, organized, gentle and forward looking people I have ever met. Most have weekends free due to their ex partners having access rights and so it is not as if parents are tied as a single person may believe. Some of my friends though pointed out that they have met single potentials who don't really understand that they have parental responsibilities and there is a fair amount of criticism of single people not having the necessary levels of understanding. The fact is, if you date a single parents you do need to make adjustments.
I asked a few single male friends of mine what they thought and they said they would not discount single parents if the number of children was manageable. What they meant was that if you have one or two children that appears to be the acceptable level of take-on future responsibility. However one of my lovely single female friends has 4 children and she felt that that was somewhat off-putting for many prospective partners. She went on to say that she now viewed having a relationship would happen once her children grew up but not before.
The focus should be on you as a person and your domestic situation shouldn't matter. This may reveal why some single parents feel it is necessary to conceal their domestic situation until a little way down the line. "It's not like I am lying, it is just that I am not going to be too specific" said one female friend. Revealing that you have a child later on once you have hooked your mate doesn't appear to cause too many problems but I would be very cautious of that approach as it smacks of deceit and trying to hook someone.
With the deterioration of marriage in modern society and more people living together it is a major fact of life that there are a lot of single parents out there. They have already demonstrated their domestic skills, their fertility, their organizational abilities and their ability to cope under pressure. Therefore you can argue that a single parent is almost top pick amongst out ever increasing pool of singles. Single parents have a lot going for them and I often now believe it is simply a case of overcoming the initial years of isolation and getting back into the dating game with a degree of confidence.
Things to feel good about:
Coping as a single parent is a huge skill
You have proven your domestic abilities
You have proven your organizational responsibilities
You are a great home maker
You are a great mother or father
You are caring, kind and responsible
Single people often desire to be like you
The Internet has revolutionized dating from home. Now you can chat with people you like 24 hours a day and build up a relationship online before meeting when appropriate. Furthermore you can select what type of people you would like to meet through the online search facilities so that you can zoom in on the kind of person who would fit in with your parental lifestyle. Things are looking up.
Make dating easier for yourself with these tips:
If you are finding meeting people difficult think about the inherent safety of using an Internet dating agency like LoveBrowser.com. You can chat safely from home and make new friends.
Do decide what your dating goals are. If the date is for company and fun enjoy yourself. If you are looking at your date from the point of view of prospective father or mother then be clear about that
Do ask lots of questions and be straight up about having children. Never pretend you don't just so that you can get a date.
If your children are old enough to understand, do tell them that you are dating.
Take your time before introducing a prospective new family member but make sure that you do keep your kids well informed
Do stick to your dating criteria and don't be swayed just because you are having a good time.
Don't forget that if your date doesn't have children they don't necessarily want to chat about yours constantly. That's natural.
Don't talk about your children in detail until you are very comfortable with the person you are dating.
If someone cannot grasp your role as mother or father and the commitments that entails, dump them swiftly.
Make sure that your prospective partner understands the shared responsibilities of being part of your family
If you find that your date doesn't take to your children you have probably been dating the wrong person for you.
If you don't want further children later be clear from the outset. If you have 2 children and you are 39, enough may be enough.
Do allow your children to have a view of your date but do not let their views influence your own judgment. A child may be jealous of losing attention.

"Dating Fatigue: Tired of Dating"

The fact is, we all get tired of it - dating. I do and maybe you do too. Yes its true, we get tired of trying to meet people we like. We go through hell on earth to meet someone, elicit their details, spend ages and ages chatting, emailing, messaging, writing, phoning and then we go dating. And then we go dating again. And it comes to nothing. And ultimately dating fatigue sets in. We singles know this feeling and yet it is rarely discussed and even less written about. The fact is, being single is hard work and it wears us out.

I know that some of you reading this will have despaired from time to time, thinking that your perfect person is never to be found whilst also hoping secretly that they are hiding just round the corner. After a number of dates you wonder if it is worth it. Emotionally drained, high hopes, low results and you think, "it can't only be me", surely! Yes you are right, you are suffering from dating fatigue but it isn't only you. We all feel it.

Why? Well we make a mental list and then try and reduce it. A mental list of the things we want our partner to be, the qualities and attributes we would like them to have. Maybe this comes from having our fingers burned, maybe from downright experience. The fact is, we all have our list and we need that list. Mr. Right will just not be Mr. Right without us checking first. When we find that the people we date don't really match up to our mental perception of what we want after beginning so optimistic, we feel drained of it. We need to recharge our batteries before rejoining the dating battle.

And this cycle continues, time and time again. There are a few yes, who are very lucky indeed and they will probably not be reading this, but for most of us we need to take a methodical approach. We are on a life campaign to find someone to love, so expect to get tired, expect to feel let down occasionally and pace yourself. Don't go on 20 dates a week thinking Mr. Perfect is waiting in the next singles bar. He may be, but he probably won't be. Instead, concentrate on quality rather than quantity.

To avoid dating fatigue decide on what we want, who we want and when we want - it. Do you build yourself up in anticipation before each date and lead yourself into an emotional crisis, or do you keep a cool clear head and wait to be pleasantly surprised? Do you have just one or two high quality dates a month with true potential partners or do you go out with every available person you meet. I suspect the latter will certainly bring on dating fatigue. But oddly, so will the former. You see, high quality dates are as draining and possibly a bigger let down than anything. To be faced with true potential and then to watch it fade away over a Merlot is soul destroying and many of us have felt that. The fact is , there is no easy answer concerning dating regularity. They will both wear you down.

The single factor that crops up more than anything in giving us dating fatigue lays deep within communication issues. By that, I mean lying. People tell lies, they tell us what we want to hear, they pretend to be something they aren't and they avoid the truth about things they shouldn't. Not everyone does that, but a great many do. Its because many people don't feel happy about themselves, they want to be something larger than life, they want to impress and in doing so, they exclude themselves from dating success. We realize we are not being told the truth, we acknowledge the original potential but its too late. The date is over.

A friend of mine told me recently that there was no point in dating me because in truth I wasn't their ideal and they were now solely focusing on finding that perfect partner. I admire them for their honesty and their focused dating regime. It kind of lacks romance but I respect dedication to the cause.
I think that the way we all should deal with dating fatigue is simple: take some time off, like holiday if you like. Go do something completely different, begin a new sport or hobby and enjoy the important simple pleasures in life and stop thinking about Mr. Right. And in doing so - well you may be pleasantly surprised who you meet. Oh and your batteries will be recharged too.

"Meeting the Parents: Stressful Occasions"

Okay so you have met the love of your life. You have been safely cocooned in your love nest and things have been going fabulously. You guys are getting pretty serious and its time to take things to the next level due to inquisitive phone calls from keenly interested parents. Lets face it, you are dreading it. Your private life is about to be held open to scrutiny by people you know to be scrupulously honest. This is dangerous territory dear reader.
The first danger is that your parents could confirm something you have already thought of but discounted. You know that they have a lazy eye but you don't need it bringing up over tea and biscuits. Now we certainly don't need a good time ruining so we hope that we are wrong. The next is that parents have high expectations and standards for their offspring and the person you are about to drag through their pristine front door is about to be interrogated like a war criminal. Woe betide them if they fail the interview as it can leave you feeling isolated. On the other hand its possible your parents could simply be embarrassing by pulling out photo albums of the time when you had Mumps aged 3.
Friendly parents are lovely and you will always feel far worse as the offspring than the love of your life who has never met them before because you are fearing the embarrassment factor. They are not. If your new love is flirtatious you can be driven up the wall by their over friendly behavior and your mom or dad taking a shine to them. There again you must also take into consideration the awkwardness that could ensue due to parental excesses and eccentricities. You may have grown used to your father's liking from swinging from the branches of a tree in the garden but your date may be somewhat shocked.
Of course before any first meeting there is always that amazing briefing you get in the car on the way. Parents of course never live round the corner, but usually about 30 miles+ away. On the way you will explain about all the little foibles and eccentricities, things to watch out for, apologies in advance. Things to say and things not to say etc. My favorite was when I dated an Italian girl. I visited Florence to visit and had to formally ask her father permission to escort her after 10.30pm at night. I was ushered into his study where I appeared to have encountered Marlon Brando from the Godfather. Unfortunately he spoke no English. I had to spend 3 hours in there and we used sign language. He enjoyed my silly efforts and granted permission!
Then again you may be the visiting lover who is being introduce din which case you are either going to be not good enough for daddy's little princess of mommy's little soldier. Its a fact. Well that's what you feel on the way and play repeatedly though various scenarios that could develop. What happens if the toilet won't flush, what happens if I accidentally break a Ming vase or start cursing uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. And so the stress levels mount accordingly.
Usually when we get introduced to parents they are really looking forward to meeting us as long as we aren't the 20th that month. Parents simply want their children to be happy in life and love and as long as their prospective partners are nice then that's fine. Or so you think. Remember that at the back of the mind is the thought that you could end up being one of the family and who exactly will be paying for the wedding anyway! So it pays to make a real effort and be conscientious on this occasion.
If you mess things up you can be jeopardizing your own relationship so try and be on form, take a small gift with you and have your wits about you and your sense of humor switched up high. Is meeting the parents really that important? yes it can be, it depends on many factors like closeness of family and age etc. But in the end we all seek some kind of acceptance for our newly-chosen partner, we want to be told we have made a very good choice. And who better to do it than the people closest. A necessary hurdle that you must leap.
Things to Remember on a first visit:

• Be polite and show respect
  


• Don't have a hangover from the night before
  


• Don't ever refer to sex and your partner
  


• Don't ask if you can sleep together at their house
  


• Take small gift with you that has been researched
  


• Refer to the parents formally unless invited otherwise
  


• Do not drink alcohol unless invited
  


• Never attempt to smoke, even in the garden or yard
  


• Never refuse food and drink. Accept graciously
  


• Do show humor and character but not too much
  


• Do think through some basic questions they may ask
  


• Do not be evasive about your work or career
  


• Dress well and look presentable
  


• Avoid any form of bad language
  


• Think of the entire situation as a small interview

"The Class Factor: Meeting People with Class When Dating"

When dating, there are certain people I have encountered who always stand out. It is not those who were the most visually stunning or those who were the most flash, it was simply those few people who exuded class. Men can have class, women can have class. But what do I mean? Well, by class I mean a level of sophistication, education, intelligence and breeding that makes them stand out from the crowd. Now get this straight. Class has nothing (zero) to do with wealth. Its has everything to do with knowing how to act and how to have a level of style and sophistication that most people are too lazy to carry off.
If as a woman, someone held the door open for me, got my chair, and knew about wines and food and could converse well on a wide range of subjects I would be impressed and see them as having class. You may not have two cents to rub together but if you are thoughtful and intelligent, caring and well read, you may have class. Class has nothing to do with what you wear although your class will show through the way you wear your clothes. I will give you an example: In Bali a male friend on walking up to a temple, immediately pulled out a well crafted silk sarong. He had read the need to keep covered in Indonesian temple and his research and preparation shoed his class in this situation.
An angry man shouting at a waiter on a date shows no class at all and should be avoided. It may be the style of people of some great cities to be bullish and aggressive and rude, particularly in restaurants but this kind of behavior shows no class at all and speaks volumes about they lack of knowledge of how to treat fellow humans. A person with class will not be rude but will be gracious and polite. A person with true class will know when it is necessary to make a point and can be firm without ever raising their voice. I know so many girls who have been outraged by their date making a complete display of himself by having to be rude and arrogant to a waiter to demonstrate their power. It is sad, it is fruitless and such men will deserve to remain single.
The problem with modern generations is that we have seen a dumbing down of society and as this has happened so stupidity is applauded and intelligence ignored. Whilst James Bond may still be a screen idol, his level of sophistication is seen in very few. It is almost as if class is only available to the wealthy few. This is not true. Women with class tend to be subtle and understated as do men. Women will tend not to be ostentatious though they will be educated and informed with specific tastes in anything and everything. You can test out people by simply asking their opinions on things. Ask them what is their favorite Picasso composition, ask them what they think of this years authors or even current events. Class will show through in informed reasoning and sparkling conversation. With class comes wit and observation.
People with class know how to treat you well but more importantly know how to make you the center of attention whilst you are together. An old friend used to spend hours in a restaurant whilst her date eyed up every woman who entered the building. She put up with it for a time but the man had no class. Yes I have had some dates where the gaze remains focused on me, where I am listened to intently, reasoned with, debated with and made to feel special and fascinating. That is a date with class.
So where do you find people who have class? Does it mean hanging around academic and literary circles or art galleries? Not at all. First of all let us be clear. Your type of date may simply not be this kind of person at all. If getting recklessly drunk in your local bar with the girl of your dreams is your thing then that is perfect. If you simply like sharing Dunkin' donuts and coffee, that is perfect too. You will find a person with class by sticking to those who will treat you well. When dating make sure you look to find someone who matches you in intelligence and interests. Date people who know how to treat you well and ensure you are made to feel special. Date people who behave impeccably and make you feel like you are walking on air.
No one has to put up with second best in their lives so wanting to meet someone with class is not out of the question. Simply make a list of the qualities that you would like in someone and then ensure that you primarily date those who are able to fulfill those promises.
If someone has class, you want to be with them. You feel good to be with them and you feel good about yourself. You feel like your world has opened up and that there are millions of new possibilities. You feel you can learn form them and they can learn from you.
Here is a list of things that I found in my special dates who did have class that you may want to look for to.
They are intelligent and witty
They listen and are very interested
They are quietly confident about their own abilities
They are well dressed but understated
They are well-travelled or had studied hard
They are conscientious and polite
They are well-read and have wide interests
They know who they are and have ambitions
They are never rude or arrogant
They ensure you are the focus of attention
They ensure you always feel comfortable
They are always considerate
They are relaxed and extremely easy to chat with
They make you feel good just to be with them
They are a person of the people
They never discuss their money and belongings
They are never loud and ostentatious
If you get some of the following when you are with a date then you may have found someone who does have class. Remember, class has nothing to do with riches and wealth and is really about manners and breeding and how people treat others, including you.