"Establishing Trust in Dating and Relationships"

To paraphrase the opening lines of one of my favorite movies, Casino, spoken by Robert DeNiro; "When you love someone, you trust them, there is no other way. You give them the keys to everything that's yours, otherwise what's the point". For me, those words sum up a lifetime of dating and relationships for the very essence of any relationships is quite simply, trust.

It is a word that we mention regularly without really thinking about what it really means. Well we kind of know but rarely do we talk about its importance. Trust is when we implicitly rely on the truth about our situation and what we are told and what we are led to believe. We give trust and we take trust at face value. We believe in the person we are dating, in the person we love and we do not question it. Trust is unspoken, it is not denied, it is part of everything we place our faith in. When we talk about 'head-games' we are often referring to trust or a lack of it.

Trust is the foundation of our dating experience because we want to be able to rely on someone and be relied upon. It is a tow-way faith experience where both parties have a support system that has undeniable truth at its core. In the first hours of our first date with someone we really like, we attempt to establish that trust. We ask questions and receive answers and we rely upon the basic truth in the picture that unfolds.

I often hear people saying that trust comes in time and that there will be no true love until trust is created. The issue I have with that is in its inherent lack of faith. When someone says they want to build up a level of trust they really mean that their trust in someone previously had been badly damaged and that they are cautious and have barriers that they need to remove over time. Totally understandable in this day and age. However by not trusting in the beginning you are denying the possibilities of truth at the early stages. You are skeptical and unforgiving to avoid hurt. Do you believe that love at first sight requires months of trust building afterwards?

Caution is inherently valuable when dating and being careful with what we are being led to believe is wise, but only up to a point. To not be believed takes away the romance of an occasion. Love is often about spontaneity and risk and to this extent we often find that powerful kind of emotional love when we are younger. As time goes by we are adept to trust people less due to a history of deceit and being lied to. It is often said that we get harder as we get older. That is a shame. How then can we hope to regain that level of innocent and powerful love and romance we may have experienced when we were, say 18 years old?

Think about the opening quote I made, and ask yourself how open you really are to new people,situations and emotions. Have yo reached a point where it would be impossible to go back and be immediately trusting, or do you think that with the right person you could throw caution to the wind. By analyzing yourself in this way, you can interpret how a future relationship might develop. Where a previous relationship has been abusive, trust will of course take time to build up but at the same time you can be cautious and semi-open. To do this you must date wisely and you must select potential partners well. This is why I often emphasize how and why you must plan your dating carefully.

To find a future relationship that has romance and passion you do need to open up your heart and you do need to find a level of trust in someone fairly early on that will allow your potential partner to feel that sense of romance and passion too. Someone who constantly feels that have to prove themselves will quickly get tired if they are genuine and will ultimately move on. None of us want to be seen as untrustworthy so keep that in the back of your mind.

When you date it is very natural to ask lots of questions and note the answers, even if they are hidden deep within happy conversation. Cross checking on the first few dates is natural too and often the path to quickly building that trust. Few people are expert liars and this is because it requires an stupendously good memory. Most people who try and mislead you will be caught out by the second or third date. This is why you should never sleep with a person too soon either. So taking your time when dating will allow trust to build because you will feel confident in what you are being told.

The other thing to bear in mind is that the specifics of trust are not written in stone. There are few people in this word who haven't told a little white lie. Dating can be a powerful and emotional experience and people want to make a good impression. Therefore on any first few dates you can imagine that some minor details may have been exaggerated. This does NOT mean the person you are dating is bad. But you do need to satisfy yourself of the truth and decide accordingly. Where you do need to be cautious is when you are kept in the dark about more key details such as career, area they live in, friends, and family etc. A person who is open and truly honest will be able to talk for hours about anything that crops up. Evasive behavior should always be treated with caution.

Once a relationship has developed then you will have already covered the foundations of trust, otherwise you will not have got this far. But caution still prevails which is why people like relationships to develop slowly as they grow older. Your levels of trust in someone may well be gradual until you reach a plateau where you can then make some major decisions to take your new relationship to another level. Such as moving in together or making vacation plans.

The key aspect of trust in any relationship is trusting your own judgment. It has got you this far in life so why start worrying now? If you truly believe you are right then go with it because as I said earlier, putting your faith in someone always involves risk. If you are unable to take that risk, your new relationship cannot grow. Buy a calculated risk is different than throwing caution to the wind, which is why you must be patient. Chemistry plays a major part in successful relationships and therefore you will know when things feel right.

Whilst I agree fully with the opening sentiment and I personally do trust from the very start because that's the kind of person I am, my own rule about trust when dating and in any relationships is a very basic premise: "If you suspect something, you are very probably right."

Romance in Dating: Does Romance Exist?

A few months ago I had a notion for a few days that maybe, just maybe romance had gone and vanished for good. Maybe I was having an off day, who knows. But it gave me the notion to think about the subject of romance and put pen to paper (well keyboard actually).

Is love and romance dead do you think? I don't think so at all. After pondering the question I came to the decision that romance must be alive and well and living in all of us, it may just be hiding. Well most of us anyway. It is a question that women may be accused of asking more than men. But I know a lot of men who would ask the same question. Listen to me when I say – romance is not dead; even if it can appear to be dead some days. The question is, why do we think its has gone?

The answer of course does depend on what you mean by romance. Romance is many different things to many different people. It can mean kissing in the rain, it can mean holding a door open, showing respect, buying flowers, moving a seat, supporting an arm, making a Valentine’s card, creating surprises for your loved one, even helping them when they are in need, but it generally relates directly to affection and togetherness. Romance is the art of demonstrating your feelings in an outward fashion and making someone feel special. You won’t be romantic to someone you don’t want romance with, so it is a coming together of two like minded people that allows romance to flourish.

Why do we think that love and romance have gone? This is most obviously demonstrated in a passionless world where sex has become main stream. Sex of course is not romance. Sex is exactly that, sex. It may be part of romance, it may be integral to love and a relationship, but romance is something altogether different. Romance appears to have vanished in our lives because people are so busy, so directional, so needy for the things that assist them in functioning. In other words, our lives are quite selfish really. We may not like to admit it, but we do first, what helps ourselves, and then secondly we help others. With romance, your own needs are subjugated by your own free will to allow for the benefit of your chosen partner.

Men are often accused of not being romantic, and being too practical instead. That may be true yes, but it is not fair on men to say that all the time. The practicality of men often belies their romantic nature. By fixing something up, be repairing , mending, doing, helping, that’s often a man showing consideration , effort, attention, affection and yes, ladies, romance! The problem is, the lady doesn’t always see it that way. Covered all day in oil in the yard is not romantic, except perhaps in a movie or two. Arguing with a waiter or in a shop is not assisting, it is being belligerent and rude and therefore not romantic in the least. However do try and understand that a man thinks that if he is assisting or helping, he is being considerate.

When considering love and romance, romance is about effort, about winning favor, about deserving love, about respect. One only needs to read Chaucer’s The Knight’s Tale to read a full description on the concept of romance. What I am arguing is that if you want to be romantic, you need to understand what it is to be romantic. Does it mean you need to watch French cinema, read romantic novels, listen to romantic music. Maybe yes it does! Our world can be a soulless world, and more often that not romance is missing from our daily lives. But it needn’t be so. I argue that if you are willing and able to relearn romance for yourself, then you can begin to practise it. Romance is not a definite art from. Just because the person you're with buys you a rose, doesn’t make them any more romantic. But maybe it is a romantic gesture if it is spontaneous.

The largest arrangement of red roses, the most expensive seat at the opera, the most luxurious car in the lot are not romantic, especially when they are regularly provided. Romance is about small thoughts and expression, about giving and feeling, about caring for someone and wanting to show someone how special they are. It’s about the details, about the small things in life that you put a lot of attention into especially to make someone else’s life better on one way or another. Now that is romance.

Valentine’s day is a commercial day we know but I often think it is sad on 14th February each year when I see so many people pacing along after work clutching expensive roses and cards. It is nice to show you love someone, but if this is the only day in a year you do so then where did the romance go? Every day is a day to buy and send flowers, every day is a day to make someone a hand made card, a scribbled note, asingle flower from the garden, a note on the pillow, a surprise breakfast, a surprise outing, even just a phone call when it's needed. That, my friend, is romance.

"Beginning A New Relationship"

Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.
The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.
For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!
After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best u can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.
If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.
There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.
People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.
The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.
You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.

"Dating Fatigue: Tired of Dating"

The fact is, we all get tired of it - dating. I do and maybe you do too. Yes its true, we get tired of trying to meet people we like. We go through hell on earth to meet someone, elicit their details, spend ages and ages chatting, emailing, messaging, writing, phoning and then we go dating. And then we go dating again. And it comes to nothing. And ultimately dating fatigue sets in. We singles know this feeling and yet it is rarely discussed and even less written about. The fact is, being single is hard work and it wears us out.

I know that some of you reading this will have despaired from time to time, thinking that your perfect person is never to be found whilst also hoping secretly that they are hiding just round the corner. After a number of dates you wonder if it is worth it. Emotionally drained, high hopes, low results and you think, "it can't only be me", surely! Yes you are right, you are suffering from dating fatigue but it isn't only you. We all feel it.

Why? Well we make a mental list and then try and reduce it. A mental list of the things we want our partner to be, the qualities and attributes we would like them to have. Maybe this comes from having our fingers burned, maybe from downright experience. The fact is, we all have our list and we need that list. Mr. Right will just not be Mr. Right without us checking first. When we find that the people we date don't really match up to our mental perception of what we want after beginning so optimistic, we feel drained of it. We need to recharge our batteries before rejoining the dating battle.

And this cycle continues, time and time again. There are a few yes, who are very lucky indeed and they will probably not be reading this, but for most of us we need to take a methodical approach. We are on a life campaign to find someone to love, so expect to get tired, expect to feel let down occasionally and pace yourself. Don't go on 20 dates a week thinking Mr. Perfect is waiting in the next singles bar. He may be, but he probably won't be. Instead, concentrate on quality rather than quantity.

To avoid dating fatigue decide on what we want, who we want and when we want - it. Do you build yourself up in anticipation before each date and lead yourself into an emotional crisis, or do you keep a cool clear head and wait to be pleasantly surprised? Do you have just one or two high quality dates a month with true potential partners or do you go out with every available person you meet. I suspect the latter will certainly bring on dating fatigue. But oddly, so will the former. You see, high quality dates are as draining and possibly a bigger let down than anything. To be faced with true potential and then to watch it fade away over a Merlot is soul destroying and many of us have felt that. The fact is , there is no easy answer concerning dating regularity. They will both wear you down.

The single factor that crops up more than anything in giving us dating fatigue lays deep within communication issues. By that, I mean lying. People tell lies, they tell us what we want to hear, they pretend to be something they aren't and they avoid the truth about things they shouldn't. Not everyone does that, but a great many do. Its because many people don't feel happy about themselves, they want to be something larger than life, they want to impress and in doing so, they exclude themselves from dating success. We realize we are not being told the truth, we acknowledge the original potential but its too late. The date is over.

A friend of mine told me recently that there was no point in dating me because in truth I wasn't their ideal and they were now solely focusing on finding that perfect partner. I admire them for their honesty and their focused dating regime. It kind of lacks romance but I respect dedication to the cause.
I think that the way we all should deal with dating fatigue is simple: take some time off, like holiday if you like. Go do something completely different, begin a new sport or hobby and enjoy the important simple pleasures in life and stop thinking about Mr. Right. And in doing so - well you may be pleasantly surprised who you meet. Oh and your batteries will be recharged too.

"Key Tips To Successful Dating"

What is a successful date? Does it mean it leads on to relationship and romance? Well you that would be cool. But it doesn't have to mean that. A successful date can be one where you got on very well, had a great time and things ended on excellent terms. Not every date we go on will end this way, but they should if we plan our dating a little more carefully.
My main concern is that we often just accept dates from the next person who shows and interest and we hope that we get on okay. The problem here is that we are being passive in our dating game. We are receivers without a game plan. Our dating is bound to be far more successful if we are the ones going out and choosing who we would like to date from a selection of those who are compatible.
To do this successfully you first have to have an idea of who you are most likely to get on with and be truthful when you do it. If you insist on dating everyone, 50% of the people you meet won't be compatible straight away. In which case you will have half of all your dates as a complete waste of time. Stop doing that and start analyzing what kind of people you get on with. Okay I could say the following@
I like people who are aged 29 to 36, single and never previously married, no children but would like a child sometime. Should be Christian to an extent, well educated, reasonably tall and have long blonde hair. They should be receptive to the idea of marriage like winter sports and live within 100 miles of my home.
Okay if I do this then I can be accused of many things here but this is just an example. The effect though is to set some criteria by which I can date and from which I am likely to see some successful dating. If I don't make a dating profile then its open to all comers. That's okay. Maybe you simply don't care and want to meet anyone you can., In which case spread your net widely. The problem is though that you are not going to please everyone and once again 50% of your dates will be a complete waste of time.
Recognize that none of us are compatible with everyone. Reclines your minimum dating requirements and then ensure you match the requirements you set. There is absolutely no point in setting the following if you don't match yourself.
I am looking to meet a guy who is 6 feet 2" or taller, must be athletic and a professional sportsman with an income of over $200k a year. They must be extremely attractive, own their own house and sports car and be able to surf.
If you are five feet 1", out of shape and maybe overweight with no career and a low income and cannot swim then what you have done is just describe your ideal fantasy figure not your probable dating criteria. I am not for one second saying you won't be attractive to the character you have described but to date successfully you must establish ground where you are most likely to be compatible and will easily match.
The next thing to consider when looking at successful dating are your expectations. If you are expecting instant love at first sight followed by a perfect romance and children then that's great. The issue here is that it may not happen that way. I wish it would but it doesn't. So being realistic and expecting little is often the best way to date. If you do then one of these days you are in for a nice surprise. Greet every date with optimism but don't go over the top. If you make a new friend then you have done well. Don't expect Cupid at every turn. It will happen but maybe not just yet.
Successful dates are simple dates. They are casual and fun. Believe me when I say that desperation comes across as though you have a placard over your head announcing it. Never ever be desperate to date. If you are then this is the time to take a breather ironically. How many times has someone said that you meet a person when you least expect it. Its true, that's why. So successful dating is when its part of your monthly routine but not the be all and end all.
Successful dates are when you are at your most casual and most upbeat and most relaxed. Successful dates happen when you are focused but in a good mood. Put the rest of your house on order and your dates will naturally take on a new glow because you will be far more positive and organized.
To summarize:
Successful dating involves setting realistic match criteria
Successful dating involves establishing dating boundaries
Successful dating means being prepared and upbeat
Successful dating means keeping things simple and fun
Successful dating means dating the right people for you
Successful dating means being realistic about your expectations
Successful dating means being patient