"Family Gatherings: Being Single at Weddings"

Last week the phone rang. One of the worst kind of phone calls, the one that keeps you awake at night. The kind of ring tone that makes you stop dead in your tracks and breathe deeply to overcome that instant feeling of dread. I couldn't explain it. I just knew. 'Hello, I hope you haven't forgotten that it's your uncle Trevor's wedding next Saturday and will you be bringing anyone nice with you?' And I could hear myself let out a silent scream. I was sure I had frightened the next door cat but in fact it was inaudible. How do they do that, how do they manage to remind you and make you feel as if you are an aged spinster or hermit in so few words.

I'm a single guy. Admittedly I am 37 and single and still never married and much that my mother weeps over the lack of grandchildren, she put son a stoic face when yet another family gathering takes place. Generally I am sure she makes gentle excuses to friends about how busy I am with career and how I am doing so well whilst at the same time wondering if I really do like the opposite sex. But nothing is more uncomfortable than being placed in the arena of family life where relatives near and far get you all to themselves to quiz you as if it was the final question in Who wants to be a Millionaire. Perhaps I am The Weakest Link! And nothing is more ideal for such a situation than a family wedding.

Now you and I both know that we are going to be asked one thousand times before the big event who we are bringing with us. To announce nonchalantly that we are coming alone is generally treated with silent disgust so it's back to the almost-melted phone to try and fathom out how we can cajole into being our invited guest. The dread in fact started a few weeks earlier when the actual invitation arrived.

The invitation sits staring at you and eventually has to be dealt with. Of course there is the possibility of simply turning up at the wedding ceremony alone and just freestyling it with enough beer, champagne or wine inside you sink the Titanic however you won't get away that easily my friend. Apart from a cast of thousands watching you with sideways glances and nudging winks as you enter on your own, there is the empty chair next to you to contend with as well as the place next to you at the after-ceremony dinner. Because however cleanly you explain that you won't be bringing anyone, they will set two places anyway. Almost to show you what you are missing to everyone else.

Okay so let's get on the phone and round up an ex. An ex partner is always good for weddings as everyone already knows them and you are comfortable enough to find them your ally in your hour of need. They will of course accompany you to make you feel severely uncomfortable, quaff as much free drink as they can and flirt with the best man or bridesmaid outrageously, as well as getting admirably drunk and dancing just to shame you. Of course the family loved you ex which is why you should never ever invite them. The wedding gives them ample opportunity to drone on about how you made such a loving couple and mistakenly how it will be your turn next. They will ask prying questions like why you guys ever split up. The fact that they never saw how your ex used to eat banana fritters in bed at 5am or leave the basin full of hair has nothing of course to do with it. Secretly of course, your ex wants you back and will turn the evening into a dialogue about how you should both get back together and give it another try. Avoid.

The second option is to bring along a friend of the opposite sex. Big mistake. What will happen on this occasion is that your prying relatives will decide that you are a match made in heaven. Add a couple of bottles of champagne into the equation and before you know it, you will have slept with your best friend and woken up with the hangover from hell and all your relatives will have matched you up for the next ceremony and feel wrongly proud of their matchmaking abilities. Don't go there.

Okay so at this point its time to think about bringing the person along who you have dated three times but don't really like. She or he will do nicely as you don't really see yourselves being together but you can pretend and your guest will be impressed. Wrong. Your relatives will smell the sense of fear on your guest and make a B-line to them to reassure that you are a nice boy or girl really. The family will trawl our endless tales of when you were three and were sick down your cousin's neck at a christening. If your burgeoning relationship wasn't doomed before it is now. Your relatives have just been replaced by the cast of the Adams family. Your guest will be able to see what they would be marrying into and well meaning relatives will revel in making you squirm. It should be an Olympic sport.

Right so it's decided then. Go it alone and take the consequences. You will deal with the empty chair next to you scenario later. Great. Not great. If you do announce that you are coming alone there is the great difficulty of where you are going to be seated. As you are a single number the seating plan has become troublesome. You could run the gauntlet and be placed with Aunt Rose and other assorted relatives. But you won't be given that chance. No, you are more likely to find yourself on the 'weirdo table' behind the pillar at the back. It's always the way. How come all the single strange folk are placed at the furthermost outpost of a wedding dinner. Here you can dwell like long lost inmates of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest whilst pointed whispers from distant tables are carried over on the breeze of the quartets' music in the corner.

On the other hand, a fate worse than death means you will be seated next to second cousin Edwin(a) who everyone has decided is now your perfect match.. You and I know that hell needs to freeze over before you'd ever go near this person but fate, my friend, is no longer in your hands. The full battle force of relatives have taken over and are watching in glee as you try and stay as far away from your proposed match as you can whilst seated directly next to them. They will squeal with delight as they announce loudly how you make the ideal couple and why you had never seen it before. Pray and pray some more. Then run.

At the wedding reception, you have not yet realized that this isn't just a wedding celebration but a gladiatorial spectacle with you feeding the lions. This manifests itself at the outset by every well meaning elderly couple interrogating you about if you are single, why you are single, whether you eat properly and if you have any friends. They usually look incredulous when you say that you do actually cook for yourself and they then usually respond by asking what you cook as if once again you have just descended from space or are 3 years old. You will have to repeat this conversation with approximately 15 separate elderly relatives smelling of Lavender before heading of outside the marquee to take up smoking again.

The final insults are so numerous we should make a list. As a woman you will be expected to catch the Bride's bouquet before enduring a marathon' its your turn next' dialogue.. During the service the wedding vows will remind you of why you are still single and probably now always will be. Dancing after the ceremony with awkward gangly teenagers will make you realize you are only a stone's throw from old age and death, and all the while you will wondering if your own wedding is going to be like this whilst secretly promising that you'll only get married on a desert island with no family whatsoever.

Going home at the end of it all to a silent house is one of the biggest feelings of relief you will ever feel and your single home will never look more inviting. Put your feet up and have a coffee and next time that phone rings..don't answer it.

"Being Single: It's Not All Fun and Games"

Being single means different things to each of us. For some it is a way of life. For a small minority, it is the way we always will be. For most of us, its is a constant battle with optimism. Hope springs eternal they say. We weren't designed to spend our lives alone. For the solitary monk it may be a life of dedication but for us mere mortals, its is a state of being that we hope is temporary.
Being single is not easy. It means first of all that we are daily responsible for every decision we make. We can't share decision making because there is no one close enough to share things with. We trust our friends but we will not have formed as close a bond as we do in a long term personal relationship. Therefore it us up to us to decide what we do each day, whether we go to work, what we will have for dinner, where we will go at a weekend, what we do on vacation and where and how we socialize.
When we get home in an evening there isn't anyone there (which is why so often we have cats and dogs) to welcome us. We prepare dinner alone (or don't bother), run a bath, take a shower and generally live a solitary existence punctuated by our social life and friends as well as work routine. One of the primary issues about being single is not being able to discuss things on our mind when we want to. In social circles we can to an extent and we may call up friends on the phone but this lacks the deeper understanding and compassion we receive from a close partner in a relationship.
We like to play ideas off each other, discuss, talk, think aloud and have pillow talk about the future. All of this is missing when single. Occasional dates or romantic encounters may provide passing closeness but in effect we remain single still. There is something interesting on the TV, but we won't chat about that until we are at work. We have an ailment that worries us, who do we discuss that with? There is an issue with a person at work, what should we do. Friends and family play their part but they don't fill that singleness we are likely to feel.
Cooking for one is a painful experience. What is the point of cooking a nice meal if there is no one to share it with. There is a great movie but we will watch it alone. We need to go shopping and get something new for the apartment but we are going to have to do without the fun of deciding together. Then of course there is sex. Sex-for-one is well known to most singles but its generally not what we were designed for.
Close relationships offer companionship, understanding, empathy, friendship as well as love and romance and without them, we are pretty much left to our own devices to fill that void. When we are younger there is so much to focus on that it may not be such an issue but as we get older we begin to discover that visiting the wonders of the world alone is deeply dissatisfactory.
Being single is a heightened sense because our society emphasizes couples. From meals for two in the grocery store, to paying for single supplements in hotels; much is set against the single person. Why do we pay extra for a single bed when on vacation? The we have our friends who are in couples which does much to heighten our sense of singledom. Dinner parties mean we are excluded due to not having a partner, or we are matched up with some geek we have little in common with by friends desperate to pair us off.
Adult society in the West is made up of approximately 33% single people and this is increasing at a remarkable rate. Admittedly in many areas of the service industry, singles are being seen as a new market and opportunities to cash in on single life are steadily coming into the market place. But again it emphasis a state of play we may not wish to be reminded of. When we set off outdoors on a weekend we will encounter many many couples along the way and we find ourselves wondering what it is about them that got them together when we are total treasures that no one appears to discover?
Therefore being single means being optimistic. It means keeping positive in the face of adversity. That adversity manifests itself through the thought in the back of our heads that whispers 'what if..'. What if we meet someone tomorrow, what if we spend out lives alone and never meet anyone again, what ever we never fall in love, what if no one actually likes us, what if we were meant to remain single. And it is this whispering that we fight to keep at bay daily by fighting to remain optimistic.
Optimism comes from the general knowledge that most of us will meet someone, we will find Mr. or Miss Right soon enough. But as we get older, we start to worry, even start to silently panic. If we are to meet our perfect match it has to happen before we are too old. We would like it to happen whilst we are still young enough. And as anyone in their 30's appreciates, as we get older , so time speeds up. In our twenties, time seemed endless. But as the wrinkles in the corner of our eyes demonstrates, one day we wake up and we are older, much older. And we are still single.
Being single is to an extent a triumph,. It means we have avoided the disappointment of dating disasters, wrong choices, and loneliness within a terrible relationship. It means we still have our own choices and our own sense of direction. We have the full sense of self determination and control over destiny. But at the same time it wears us down. It may be hard to admit, but the vast majority of us don't like being single. In fact we hate it.
We hate it because we don't get to share. We don't get to make happen the sharp image in our head of the perfect relationship we know is possible with the right partner. We have a never ending well of 'giving' that so far has been ignored. We want to give and we want to please. We wish to love and we want that opportunity. We are ready and willing but we are not allowed. Its almost like being in an isolation cell in prison. Being single heightens our sense of the need to give and it heightens the sense of frustration accordingly.
Being single isn't a cornfield full of casual sex, boozy nights, general lack of responsibility and carefree existence over the age of 25. Its a burden that many of us carry. Through failed relationships we have built up a mental list of the things we will never accept again in a relationship and at the same time it provokes and overpowering explanation of what we really do hope for. Being single isn't about choices, it is about circumstances. We know that had we been a certain place, had a certain life, then we probably wouldn't be single. But where we find ourselves today means that we are. Well we are for the time being.
By dating we keep our hopes alive. We realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whilst the most recent suitor may not have been the one for us, at least we are heading in the right direction. And that's how many of us cope with being single. We do everything we can to keep our hopes alive. We convince ourselves that being single is by choice and that we are just waiting to meet the right one. And that's true, that's exactly what we are doing. But the 'what if' whispers away. Our body clocks may tick louder, our hair may thin, but we KNOW we will get there in the end. We hope.
Being single means living with a sense of frustration that little else can match. We don't have the answers as to why we are alone. We even ask 'why me?' This isn't how we have envisaged our lives, this isn't how we saw our future. So why has it happened? What went wrong. Where did we go wrong? Where are all the nice guys and girls. Maybe they have all been snapped up. Maybe there simply aren't any and we are fooling ourselves. Then we remind ourselves of the few examples of great friends in great relationships and this provides us with the temporary proof we need. And then we begin to question ourselves further. We may even question our own judgment, wondered if we have missed our best opportunity to be in a good relationship. Maybe we are simply too choosey? Maybe it really is all our fault. But of course it isn't.
When vacations and national holidays and Christmas or Thanksgiving come along, then we are reminded heavily just what being single feels like. On Valentine's day we are also reminded that we are yet again this year solitary creatures. However this year will be different. We feel it. We have our sights set one on or two potentials and who knows where things may lead. Who knows, by Christmas we could be engaged.
Married people often think the grass is greener on the other side. People in bad relationships dream of the freedom of being single. I have been told many times that I don't know how lucky I am to be single. The next time someone says that to me, I will go over and stick my finger in their eye and remind myself indeed how lucky I am that I decided to do that..all by myself.

Quick Dating Tips:Keeping the Momentum In Relationships

Once you have started dating regularly you will need to think about keeping the momentum going. It is all too easy to allow your dating to run out of steam too early and watch your date lose interest in you. It is also the case that you can easily lose interest in them too. This happens because most often there is too much given and received too soon. People sometimes get bored and go after a new thrill, others suddenly lose interest for no apparent reason leaving you high and dry.
1. Dating is about fun and enjoying the company of your new romantic interest. The first and primary thing you must do is keep this element of fun high. So keep your dates amusing and interesting and do many varied and creative things, whatever the weather. This should never stop.
2. Do not give of yourself too much too soon. You must remain your enigma factor and an element of mystery to retain your date's interest. Therefore don't always explain everything and don't tell your entire life story too early on.
3. Keep your main life going and remain as busy and as routine as possible. A busy person is an interesting person and whilst you should not play games with your date, you do not suddenly need to start explaining everywhere you go and everything you do. The more they wonder about you the more they will want to know you.
4. Keep sex out of reach for a while in the early stages until you are practically wanting to rip each other's clothes off. Whilst this desire is at it's most intense so will your relationship grow. Ultimately sex brings a special closeness between two people but it should not necessarily be immediate. Many is the guy or girl who has lost someone for being too forthcoming too soon.
5. Retain your independence for nothing has changed. Whilst you may well soon fall in love, your friends are still there as are your nights out and your independent socializing. When things often go wrong it is because you have isolated yourself from your normal life too quickly and too soon. I advocate that you should always be able to bring something unique back to your relationship and to do this you must keep your independent interests to a degree.
6. Plan things together and communicate about the future. Have common goals and learn to work as a team to make some of these goals occur. I don't mean big things like buying a house together but the first step will be vacations for building that solid foundation.
7. Learn to laugh together a lot and keep laughing. Humor is the one factor beyond all others that seems to stray from relationships. It is both your responsibilities to keep things fun and entertaining so think up as many things as possible and start straight away.
8. Spend time together. It sounds obvious but it is amazing how many relationships drift simply because people don't put the time in. Work is just work. If this is your big romance it should start to take priority. Money most certainly isn't everything but quality time is. You will strengthen your bond if you put each other first as frequently as possible.
9. Communicate with each other. People seem to forget how to talk once they have started dating. It is as if you think you have said enough already. Well communication and eye contact and letting each other know how you feel, both good and bad, which will make all the difference as to whether you survive as a couple.
10. Listen to your partner and feel her/his needs. Listening is greatly underrated and should be practiced by everyone. People tell you things in the most unspoken or subtle of was. By listening to the person you love, you will see how you can keep things alive and alight.
11. Be spontaneous. There is nothing more boring than routine. Every little thing helps from planning a surprise weekend to turning up from work with flowers. It is your responsibility to be spontaneous every day so get into the habit, however long you have been dating.

"ThirtySomething and Single"

Being ThirtySomething is rapidly becoming the crux age for many of us. It's the time when we have matured and have woken up one morning to understand finally who we are and what we are about. We generally have some idea of direction at this age and it is a time for choices and crossroads. Life may have begun at 40 in times gone by but these days your 30th birthday is the age to sit up and take note. It is a time for reflection and self analysis, for checking how we are doing with our ambitions, and coming to terms with the fact that we are passing into a more mature age group - like it or not. I am not suggesting that becoming 30 means getting older or changing our lives but there are few of us who doubt it is not a time when we start to think - think a lot.
Now dating is heavily related to this ThirtySomethings age group because now that careers have been sorted out and a salary is coming in regularly it has dawned on us that we better get a partner to share some of these things with. For women, it may be a time when children become dauntingly high on their list of priorities and the hunt is on for a suitable parent and father. It may not yet be a time for frantic panic but its not far away. We will not get steadily older and whilst some of us will get better with age, most of us start to look a little ragged round the edges so we need to secure the best dating options whilst we still can
Being ThirtySomething means having more time and money to date properly, to make decisive choices about who, where and what you want to date and to learn from past dating mistakes. By now most of us will have at least on important relationships in the bag though some of us will not yet have fallen in love. We have strong friendships and plenty of shared practical experience in the ways of the heart. But all is not well, dating as you get older becomes increasingly frustrating and tiring. Your base levels for a perfect match have increased and you are becoming increasingly selective. You are tired of meeting jerks and timewasters and people who simply don't match with you, people out for sex and anything they can get.
The other major thing to add is that dating for ThirtySomethings is higher risk. Time is moving on, you don't want to waste more years in another failed relationship so you become determined to get it right so you become more cautious and careful. You are aware of divorce law, so you are also aware that you can meet the wrong person and they could take half of what you worked so hard to achieve. You have become cautious in your old age.
Dating fatigue has set in if you have been single for some time and you feel increasingly frustrated that you will not meet the right person. There is a tiny dread in the back of your mind that it may not be possible to meet Mr. or Miss Right because just maybe they don't exist. Increasingly you may come across unparalleled shallowness, in both sexes. Men can lose their hair in their thirties and women can age in different ways. Suddenly you won't do because you are thin on top or maybe your bosom isn't as pert as it was 10 years ago. You discover that that search for a soul mate may well be bull and that if you are George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston you will always do nicely.
The next issue to hit ThirtySomethings when dating is where to date. In your twenties you were are trance and rave clubs until 3am, or in bars with friends dancing until all hours and still able to be fresh in the office for 8.30am. Now you are 35, it isn't so easy to burn the candle at both ends. You need your sleep, you may not feel comfortable in places surrounded by people a decade younger so you may seek out solace in newer places. It is true that the cafe bar society has grown out of a wealthy ThirtySomething dating society and we can be thankful, but places to date are still not as easy to come by. It seems that clubs for ThirtySomethings are a little forced, and too directed to in your face dating. In other words, subtlety of the dating ritual has been lost, you are being checked out from the moment you enter the room.
Another issue that crops up with dating and ThirtySomethings is the age group we should date. Should we go for younger people, let us say aged 25 upwards, or maybe we like the more mature man or woman, let us say over 40. This really is an issue. It is an issue if we are still wanting children. In our thirties the people we may meet could already have a child or be separated or divorced and don't want another child. Or they may be actively seeking to have a child. If you are a woman you may be looking for a man who will make a good father. If you are a man you may be looking for a woman of child bearing age and therefore may not consider a woman over 40. This is the dilemma. Age starts to become a factor. It is possible you will feel you don't have much in common with someone aged 21 but do find them attractive, on the other hand you may find yourself drawn to the more mature aspects of an older man or woman. You can go in both directions at this age as you straddle the age gap.
The people we meet of our own age gap now have stories to tell, they may have baggage or they may have lost of baggage. We all have some kind of emotional dross we carry with us but in this age group it becomes very relevant. Do we want to meet people who already have a child by someone else, could we cope with children who aren't ours? There are a great many people on the rebound who have just spent years in relationships that didn't end. They could have had a 12 year marriage and be 31 and divorced and vowing never to get married again. Therefore, the people we meet as ThirtySomethings are far more complex than before.
The purpose of this article is not to provide answers but to acknowledge that being ThirtySomething is a very difficult age for dating and to recognize some of the factors that we are all sharing. I for one am 37 and never married so I know this subject well. We will carry on dating with renewed optimism but let us not forget that there are millions of people just like us, all looking for our perfect partner whilst coping with the issues stated.

"Key Tips To Successful Dating"

What is a successful date? Does it mean it leads on to relationship and romance? Well you that would be cool. But it doesn't have to mean that. A successful date can be one where you got on very well, had a great time and things ended on excellent terms. Not every date we go on will end this way, but they should if we plan our dating a little more carefully.
My main concern is that we often just accept dates from the next person who shows and interest and we hope that we get on okay. The problem here is that we are being passive in our dating game. We are receivers without a game plan. Our dating is bound to be far more successful if we are the ones going out and choosing who we would like to date from a selection of those who are compatible.
To do this successfully you first have to have an idea of who you are most likely to get on with and be truthful when you do it. If you insist on dating everyone, 50% of the people you meet won't be compatible straight away. In which case you will have half of all your dates as a complete waste of time. Stop doing that and start analyzing what kind of people you get on with. Okay I could say the following@
I like people who are aged 29 to 36, single and never previously married, no children but would like a child sometime. Should be Christian to an extent, well educated, reasonably tall and have long blonde hair. They should be receptive to the idea of marriage like winter sports and live within 100 miles of my home.
Okay if I do this then I can be accused of many things here but this is just an example. The effect though is to set some criteria by which I can date and from which I am likely to see some successful dating. If I don't make a dating profile then its open to all comers. That's okay. Maybe you simply don't care and want to meet anyone you can., In which case spread your net widely. The problem is though that you are not going to please everyone and once again 50% of your dates will be a complete waste of time.
Recognize that none of us are compatible with everyone. Reclines your minimum dating requirements and then ensure you match the requirements you set. There is absolutely no point in setting the following if you don't match yourself.
I am looking to meet a guy who is 6 feet 2" or taller, must be athletic and a professional sportsman with an income of over $200k a year. They must be extremely attractive, own their own house and sports car and be able to surf.
If you are five feet 1", out of shape and maybe overweight with no career and a low income and cannot swim then what you have done is just describe your ideal fantasy figure not your probable dating criteria. I am not for one second saying you won't be attractive to the character you have described but to date successfully you must establish ground where you are most likely to be compatible and will easily match.
The next thing to consider when looking at successful dating are your expectations. If you are expecting instant love at first sight followed by a perfect romance and children then that's great. The issue here is that it may not happen that way. I wish it would but it doesn't. So being realistic and expecting little is often the best way to date. If you do then one of these days you are in for a nice surprise. Greet every date with optimism but don't go over the top. If you make a new friend then you have done well. Don't expect Cupid at every turn. It will happen but maybe not just yet.
Successful dates are simple dates. They are casual and fun. Believe me when I say that desperation comes across as though you have a placard over your head announcing it. Never ever be desperate to date. If you are then this is the time to take a breather ironically. How many times has someone said that you meet a person when you least expect it. Its true, that's why. So successful dating is when its part of your monthly routine but not the be all and end all.
Successful dates are when you are at your most casual and most upbeat and most relaxed. Successful dates happen when you are focused but in a good mood. Put the rest of your house on order and your dates will naturally take on a new glow because you will be far more positive and organized.
To summarize:
Successful dating involves setting realistic match criteria
Successful dating involves establishing dating boundaries
Successful dating means being prepared and upbeat
Successful dating means keeping things simple and fun
Successful dating means dating the right people for you
Successful dating means being realistic about your expectations
Successful dating means being patient