Romance in Dating: Does Romance Exist?

A few months ago I had a notion for a few days that maybe, just maybe romance had gone and vanished for good. Maybe I was having an off day, who knows. But it gave me the notion to think about the subject of romance and put pen to paper (well keyboard actually).

Is love and romance dead do you think? I don't think so at all. After pondering the question I came to the decision that romance must be alive and well and living in all of us, it may just be hiding. Well most of us anyway. It is a question that women may be accused of asking more than men. But I know a lot of men who would ask the same question. Listen to me when I say – romance is not dead; even if it can appear to be dead some days. The question is, why do we think its has gone?

The answer of course does depend on what you mean by romance. Romance is many different things to many different people. It can mean kissing in the rain, it can mean holding a door open, showing respect, buying flowers, moving a seat, supporting an arm, making a Valentine’s card, creating surprises for your loved one, even helping them when they are in need, but it generally relates directly to affection and togetherness. Romance is the art of demonstrating your feelings in an outward fashion and making someone feel special. You won’t be romantic to someone you don’t want romance with, so it is a coming together of two like minded people that allows romance to flourish.

Why do we think that love and romance have gone? This is most obviously demonstrated in a passionless world where sex has become main stream. Sex of course is not romance. Sex is exactly that, sex. It may be part of romance, it may be integral to love and a relationship, but romance is something altogether different. Romance appears to have vanished in our lives because people are so busy, so directional, so needy for the things that assist them in functioning. In other words, our lives are quite selfish really. We may not like to admit it, but we do first, what helps ourselves, and then secondly we help others. With romance, your own needs are subjugated by your own free will to allow for the benefit of your chosen partner.

Men are often accused of not being romantic, and being too practical instead. That may be true yes, but it is not fair on men to say that all the time. The practicality of men often belies their romantic nature. By fixing something up, be repairing , mending, doing, helping, that’s often a man showing consideration , effort, attention, affection and yes, ladies, romance! The problem is, the lady doesn’t always see it that way. Covered all day in oil in the yard is not romantic, except perhaps in a movie or two. Arguing with a waiter or in a shop is not assisting, it is being belligerent and rude and therefore not romantic in the least. However do try and understand that a man thinks that if he is assisting or helping, he is being considerate.

When considering love and romance, romance is about effort, about winning favor, about deserving love, about respect. One only needs to read Chaucer’s The Knight’s Tale to read a full description on the concept of romance. What I am arguing is that if you want to be romantic, you need to understand what it is to be romantic. Does it mean you need to watch French cinema, read romantic novels, listen to romantic music. Maybe yes it does! Our world can be a soulless world, and more often that not romance is missing from our daily lives. But it needn’t be so. I argue that if you are willing and able to relearn romance for yourself, then you can begin to practise it. Romance is not a definite art from. Just because the person you're with buys you a rose, doesn’t make them any more romantic. But maybe it is a romantic gesture if it is spontaneous.

The largest arrangement of red roses, the most expensive seat at the opera, the most luxurious car in the lot are not romantic, especially when they are regularly provided. Romance is about small thoughts and expression, about giving and feeling, about caring for someone and wanting to show someone how special they are. It’s about the details, about the small things in life that you put a lot of attention into especially to make someone else’s life better on one way or another. Now that is romance.

Valentine’s day is a commercial day we know but I often think it is sad on 14th February each year when I see so many people pacing along after work clutching expensive roses and cards. It is nice to show you love someone, but if this is the only day in a year you do so then where did the romance go? Every day is a day to buy and send flowers, every day is a day to make someone a hand made card, a scribbled note, asingle flower from the garden, a note on the pillow, a surprise breakfast, a surprise outing, even just a phone call when it's needed. That, my friend, is romance.

"Ridiculous Dates and Time Wasters We Despise"

I was thinking the other day that I have been on some ridiculous dates in my time. Some have been a waste of my time and some have been utter fiasco's that barely require repeating. I got wondering as to how they happened in the first place and my answer was that I had let my guard down and had began to date people who weren't really compatible at all. Maybe it was because of recent abstinence from sex, or perhaps due to a need for company and affection - but in these circumstances I find myself agreeing to all sorts of idiocy.
Be assured that when you are dating you will meet your fair share of eccentrics, wasters and fools. You will meet those who will simply waste your time, show you little respect or have no idea why they are there. You will meet those who will make excuses and leave and a few who will not turn up at all. And on almost all occasions you do well to realize that it has very little to do with you. It takes all kinds to make a world and you will meet all kinds when you are dating.
The thing to remember when dating is that you are almost certain not going to hit the jackpot first time. It does happen occasionally particularly when younger (but for other reasons); but as we grow older we have harder criteria to meet and match with. Dating is a lottery, that's for sure. People will date you to see whether they can date you. They don't really want it to go anywhere, they simply want the sense of achievement from you saying yes. And that applies to men and to women.
I have met some real losers in my time. People who hadn't got a clue what they were doing. People who had probably last been to dinner when the menu was written in Latin. I have met the socially inept, the downright arrogant, the rude and vicious, the loud and raucous and the occasional stalker. And looking back I probably wouldn't have changed a thing except to say that I wish they hadn't cost me so much money and wasted so much of my time. The real ridiculous losers who I wish I had never dated are the ones who wasted more of my time that I can remember. The ones who kept me hanging on whilst they sorted out their own frail mental well-being. The ones who were 'confused' about their feelings and weren't sure if they could commit. Oh please. The most ridiculous people I have dated though without a doubt were the people who told lies and thought I would be too stupid to spot them.
Here is a lovely list of some ridiculous dating scenarios I have encountered over the years. I am sure yours are better or similar to mine but it just goes to show my friends that we are not alone! I have not included names to spare the not-so-innocent but you know who you are.
A girl I met in New York and temporarily dated for a few weeks decided to spend three months phoning me every day when I was in Toronto. As she was a great girl I was extremely flattered but very wary as she had not been able to give any commitment previously. Anyway after being harangued for three months I relented and agreed to a romantic weekend back in Manhattan with her as she lived in New Jersey. She duly arranged my flights via Pittsburgh to La Guardia and booked me into the Grand Hyatt on 42nd Street for 3 nights. On landing I phoned her on a her cell phone to see where we would be meeting and she said that this weekend was not so good as she was busy ! She said she may be able to meet for dinner on Sunday evening! Today was Friday. So I spent three solitary days in New York by myself seeing the sights and walking for miles. I never did get an explanation but lets just say that I decided she was insane.
I met a very excitable girl on a dating site who seemed to be really lovely. After a couple of weeks of chatting I agreed to get the train to London where we could meet for dinner. As I was pulling into the station after a 6 hours journey beginning at 5am my phone rang. The girl asked if I had arrived and we had a short chat. On arriving at my hotel the girl called again to say that she wouldn't be meeting me as she had heard an echo on my phone and believed that I was a married man calling from my London apartment and disguising the fact that I was married !! This was based on no evidence whatsoever. After reasoning with her she did turn up to meet me in a bar. Well I presume she did as I had long since gone home. Ridiculous.
When living in Hong Kong I dated a very lovely local girl from Kowloon for a couple of weeks and we danced and dined out and laughed and went sightseeing. We never kissed or touched as is the Chinese way and kept things on a platonic level. One night in a thunderstorm on the Peak above central Hong Kong we kissed for the first time and she announced that she had decided that we would be married and that she intended to see me every day from now on. Without asking she attempted to move into my room, brought her things and refused to leave. What began as a kiss within hours turned into a comic case of stalking unparalleled in my experience. The phone had to be kept off and my movements varied. Weeks later I left Hong Kong and never went back. Be careful who you kiss!
I remember dating a girl who believed she was the world's greatest liar. She would come out with lots of amazing stories about who she had been with and where and it was clear every time that they were made up. In fact it was so obvious that she was lying that even her friends would cringe. She would always get very angry if any questions were asked but the ridiculous thing was that she really did think I believed her. In fact she was so much of a liar that to this day it is impossible to speak to her due to still trying to convince me of untruths.
You could make up excuses for these kinds of behavior but its always best just to smile and put it down to experience. Life isn't so serious when dating and most of the people you meet are lovely. It is the eccentricities of people that make me laugh. But the ones that hurt are the ones where people tell lies to fool you. Like the girl I dated who went to visit her sister in Barcelona. She told me it was for a few weeks and each week would say she would be back shortly. After three months she had not returned and it transpired that she was now actually living in Barcelona and dating a guy from the US. However she found it easier to keep me hanging on than tell the truth. These are the people we can do without.
Be Cautious as Follows:
Don't put yourself out on a limb for a new date
Don't travel unnecessarily unless you are sure
Don't believe everything you are told initially
Don't trust everything you perceive at first
Women can be as manipulative as men can be
Do laugh about your dating mishaps later
Have a sense of humor when dating
Try and be philosophical about the ridiculous nature of events
Don't spend too much money when dating initially
Don't expect too much when dating a lot, just relax
Put life and people down to experience
You will kiss a few frogs before you find a prince
Make sure you are prepared for what you are getting into
Always get photos of people you met on the Internet first
Don't let people waste your time and never be too accommodating
If people have wasted your time don't give a second chance and walk away

"Our Worst Dates"

I thought it may be worth taking a short survey of the worst dating experiences in the Top Dating Tips office. It is a jungle out there and along the dating path we have encountered some peculiar situations. While one or two could put us off dating for life, others are simply bizarre. There are few of us who don't have some strange dating story to tell who are over 25 and some of them can act as lessons too. Although I wouldn't like anyone else to go through these worst dating experiences, it's clear that it's is part of what happens when we try and spend time with complete strangers.
The worst dates in general seemed to be when dates failed to turn up completely, made disgraceful excuses, were caught out the same night with a different man or woman, or simply lied. One guy met up with a girl who stripped naked in his favorite restaurant to show the waiters her dragon tattoo, another was punched out cold by a father who didn't like his hair!
My worst dating experience was taking an arranged flight from Toronto via Pittsburgh to visit a girl who had just spent three months phoning me asking me to visit her in New York. On landing she phoned to say that she had booked me into the Grand Hyatt on 42nd Street and would call me when I got there. Once I had checked in she called me to say that she couldn't make it to meet this weekend and perhaps I could visit again next weekend instead! $1000 dollars later I had a weekend on my own in New York visiting the tourist attractions and shopping. Needless to say we never met up again.
Here are a few examples of bad times in no particular order.
On the Rack
One of the guys had been dating a quiet girl for a few weeks when she asked him back to her apartment. She was a shy girl but he was an honorable gent so he tells us, so he said yes. When he got to her apartment they settled in for a drink on the comfy sofa before moving to the bedroom. As things got heated she insisted on tying his hands to the bedpost with silk scarves and has he was game for a laugh he agreed. Before you could say anything she pulled out a portable rack (yes the mediaeval type) and said he could so with some stretching (!! editor). In wild panic he managed to loosen his restraint and ran screaming from the apartment semi clad with her chasing after him but managing to escape. He has been quite quiet on the dating front since then.
The Bad Photo
Our office marketing guy had decided to try some internet dating so joined one of the top professional sites and posted a comprehensive profile and a photo. Then waited. In fact he waited for about a year and got zero responses from any of the many women online. He started to chat with the girls and got nowhere fast either. After 18 months he had no idea what to suggest. The girls matched his profile exactly, they had the same backgrounds and the few who spoke to him said that he was a lovely guy but never took it further. Eventually he performed a test. He simply replaced his photo with one of a male model. Within 2 days he had received 132 email replies, 17 unprompted conversations and 5 offers of a date. The moral of this disheartening story is don't believe that all women put personality before looks, sadly.
The Wrong Vehicle
One of the guys here was standing in a bar having a drink when two gorgeous girls approached him and one admitted that she thought he was lovely. They got chatting and were getting on really well when one of the two asked what car he drove. He had been driving the same car for years and admitted it was old. The girl said that that wouldn't do at all as she only dated men who drove BMWs - and left. He is still single and driving an old car. The moral of this story is get your wheels sorted out guys.
The Preacher's Daughter
One of the guys in the office was dating a girl when at college. They had been sleeping together for sometime and the relationship had progressed but he had yet to be introduced to her father. Her father was in fact a preacher and minister and devoutly religious. One Saturday morning the preacher took it upon himself to visit his only daughter by driving the 100 miles to her apartment. Our hero and his girlfriend were in bed when the knock on the door came so quick as a flash he jumped naked into a wardrobe and hid.
The father entered the room and was welcomed by his daughter who took it upon herself to chat with him about her studies for the next 4 hours in which time they ate both breakfast and lunch. Our hero meanwhile is no more than a few feet away, naked and cramped in the darkened wardrobe, having now lost all feeling to his body and freezing cold and dehydrated. Just as the father was leaving our friend fell from the closet and landed naked at the feet of the preacher with daughter looking on. The result was that within three weeks the daughter was removed from the college and the relationship was over.
The Car Door
I once took a girl I was very attracted to out on our first date and as we arrived in the city the girl in question got out of the passenger side of my car. As she closed the door, the window dropped out and landed on her foot breaking 4 bones. We spent the rest of the day in hospital but alas no further date was arranged as she spent the next 6 weeks with her leg in plaster.