Romance in Dating: Does Romance Exist?

A few months ago I had a notion for a few days that maybe, just maybe romance had gone and vanished for good. Maybe I was having an off day, who knows. But it gave me the notion to think about the subject of romance and put pen to paper (well keyboard actually).

Is love and romance dead do you think? I don't think so at all. After pondering the question I came to the decision that romance must be alive and well and living in all of us, it may just be hiding. Well most of us anyway. It is a question that women may be accused of asking more than men. But I know a lot of men who would ask the same question. Listen to me when I say – romance is not dead; even if it can appear to be dead some days. The question is, why do we think its has gone?

The answer of course does depend on what you mean by romance. Romance is many different things to many different people. It can mean kissing in the rain, it can mean holding a door open, showing respect, buying flowers, moving a seat, supporting an arm, making a Valentine’s card, creating surprises for your loved one, even helping them when they are in need, but it generally relates directly to affection and togetherness. Romance is the art of demonstrating your feelings in an outward fashion and making someone feel special. You won’t be romantic to someone you don’t want romance with, so it is a coming together of two like minded people that allows romance to flourish.

Why do we think that love and romance have gone? This is most obviously demonstrated in a passionless world where sex has become main stream. Sex of course is not romance. Sex is exactly that, sex. It may be part of romance, it may be integral to love and a relationship, but romance is something altogether different. Romance appears to have vanished in our lives because people are so busy, so directional, so needy for the things that assist them in functioning. In other words, our lives are quite selfish really. We may not like to admit it, but we do first, what helps ourselves, and then secondly we help others. With romance, your own needs are subjugated by your own free will to allow for the benefit of your chosen partner.

Men are often accused of not being romantic, and being too practical instead. That may be true yes, but it is not fair on men to say that all the time. The practicality of men often belies their romantic nature. By fixing something up, be repairing , mending, doing, helping, that’s often a man showing consideration , effort, attention, affection and yes, ladies, romance! The problem is, the lady doesn’t always see it that way. Covered all day in oil in the yard is not romantic, except perhaps in a movie or two. Arguing with a waiter or in a shop is not assisting, it is being belligerent and rude and therefore not romantic in the least. However do try and understand that a man thinks that if he is assisting or helping, he is being considerate.

When considering love and romance, romance is about effort, about winning favor, about deserving love, about respect. One only needs to read Chaucer’s The Knight’s Tale to read a full description on the concept of romance. What I am arguing is that if you want to be romantic, you need to understand what it is to be romantic. Does it mean you need to watch French cinema, read romantic novels, listen to romantic music. Maybe yes it does! Our world can be a soulless world, and more often that not romance is missing from our daily lives. But it needn’t be so. I argue that if you are willing and able to relearn romance for yourself, then you can begin to practise it. Romance is not a definite art from. Just because the person you're with buys you a rose, doesn’t make them any more romantic. But maybe it is a romantic gesture if it is spontaneous.

The largest arrangement of red roses, the most expensive seat at the opera, the most luxurious car in the lot are not romantic, especially when they are regularly provided. Romance is about small thoughts and expression, about giving and feeling, about caring for someone and wanting to show someone how special they are. It’s about the details, about the small things in life that you put a lot of attention into especially to make someone else’s life better on one way or another. Now that is romance.

Valentine’s day is a commercial day we know but I often think it is sad on 14th February each year when I see so many people pacing along after work clutching expensive roses and cards. It is nice to show you love someone, but if this is the only day in a year you do so then where did the romance go? Every day is a day to buy and send flowers, every day is a day to make someone a hand made card, a scribbled note, asingle flower from the garden, a note on the pillow, a surprise breakfast, a surprise outing, even just a phone call when it's needed. That, my friend, is romance.

"Dating: Memories of The Best Dates We Ever Had"

The best dates we have ever been on are the ones that were the most fun with the best company. They may not end in blinding love or marriage but they may have lived on with us because we enjoyed them so much. There was something memorable about them. Lots of dates are mundane, dull, meaningless repetition of standard question and answer sessions punctuated by some forced humor and and attempt to keep things genuine whilst knowing the moment you exit the cafe, you will never see that person again. Personally I have traveled all over the country on dates and some have been truly awful and the odd one, spectacular.

The best dates are the simplest, the least forced, the most natural. The best dates can happen with a complete stranger out of nowhere, or are planned weeks in advance by making special plans to win your date's heart. I remember chatting with a person on an Internet dating site on Saturday evening and within an hour of first chatting we had met for a drink. That Saturday evening in Chicago was tremendous fun, the person fantastic company, 4 hours of laughter and great food. We swapped life stories and details of the smallest things about our lives and for those briefest of hours everything was fabulous. Due to travel etc., we never met again but the point is that a perfect date can really be that unplanned.

I think it's true that when we plan something too far in advance we can get carried away and build things up to much higher levels than is really justified. If I know we are going on a date three weeks on Saturday I will start planning, however much I try not to. What will I wear, how will I wear my hair, what will they be like, will anything come of it. And so on. Before you know it, a simple date has turned into the planning of Woodstock.

In other words, simple spontaneous dates are the best. Formality too tends to wreck the best dates. Somewhere too formal doesn't allow both parties to relax and can be oppressive and stifling. The worry of getting everything right, ordering the correct dishes, selecting the right wine, even paying the check. Particularly the right clothes. A self assured dating partner will allow things to flow more smoothly and put you at your ease but the point is, the best dates involve somewhere far more relaxed. It could be a diner an a walk in the park, a beach bar and a stroll on the beach. So always choose something where both people can be comfortable, kick off their shoes and just chill.

The best dates are ones that begin with few expectations and open into something much greater. A short meeting over a coffee ends up being a day long passionate conversation. A lunch hour one afternoon ends up taking over the whole day, even weekend. They are the best dates. Not expecting your date to be anything special and discovering that they are amazing, that is a good date too. Two people who end up becoming a couple will always remember how they met and what they did so it is always important to put some thought into every date you go on.

I think if you date continually for the sake of it then you will have some idea of your idea of a perfect date and how it would go. Even if you haven't met anyone fabulous lately you can still imagine what best dates should be like for you. There are a great many clichés surrounding dates, from sunsets over blue lagoons to romantic restaurants in Rome. They are things we can aspire to in our fantasies. But having great dates means being open minded, being open to new people, new ideas and very good conversation. I often observe friends with their lists of questions that they reel off as they go through the motions on a first date and wonder why they get nowhere.

My method always involves meeting and greeting my date like I have know them years. In this way I put myself and them at easy. I love to talk so I always try and get us both to chat about anything and everything over a glass of wine. If it flows naturally then great, if it doesn't then its fine as I always set a mental time limit at first. My favorite best dates have always been with charming individuals who are interesting and interested. They have always been brief encounters the first time where I am dying to meet them again. They are instant adrenaline shots, they are eye opening meetings that me salivate with anticipation. I put some of that down to trying to date the kind of people I get along with but also being extremely receptive to new ideas.

Your best dates with differ from mine probably, but the point is, treasure best dates as excellent memories and experiences. You have met some great people and you are going to meet a few more along the way before your dating is done.

"Beginning A New Relationship"

Gosh, it doesn't get more unstable than this. You feel sick, you can't eat, you don't know what you are thinking and feeling, but you are thinking excessively. You feel happy, you feel sad, you feel unsettled, you worry, you are ecstatic. You want to panic and wish you had said no. What's happening to you? You are in your first four weeks of dating someone.
The first thing that can happen with a date is that you feel trepidation before the event. You may have had lots of dates and expect little but are pleasantly surprised. You may have been building up to the date and its gone really well and you are surprised, pleasantly. You may actually feel unhappy and irritated that a first date went well because now you have to give some thought to the situation. Initially then you need to decide if you are going to take it further or whether last night's promises and optimism has changed in the cold light of day. For almost everyone, however good or bad you will feel some trepidation, even if you are walking on the moon.
For many, the days after a first date that went really well will make you feel great. You feel desired, attractive and you realize that someone really likes you who you are attracted to. But - until you have secured a second date you will still feel like you have got it all wrong and that you are mistaken. When that second date is finalized you will again feel great and this is a real test because this time you will be analyzing each other more thoroughly and testing each other in verbal interplay and emotional content in your conversation. Your reliability and your wit will be tested as well as many other extremely subtle facets of your character. At this stage you most certainly should not have had sex!
After the second date is where panic can set in. If you really like this person you will panic and worry that you can lose them before anything has even got going. On the other hand you may like them and panic that it could all be too much too soon and wish to run without finding out. So this is where disaster can begin to intervene on a perfect future. You can quickly come across as overbearing and possessive, even though you haven't got into a relationship yet. So stop calling and stop pondering and ensure you carry on as best u can with a routine. In other words, back off and be cool. Take your time and stop panicking. If you are going to go out, then you will but don't rush it.
If, on the other hand, you are simply not sure about looming intimacy then again take your time and be cool. The pleasure in the first few weeks of dating is in its turmoil and its passion but also in savoring every moment. In a long term relationship these are days hard to repeat so take in the atmosphere of knowing someone new and enjoy the encounters as they happen. A new relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage and commitment so stop thinking too much and simply enjoy your dates as they happen.
There will be many dilemmas in the first few weeks such as your first kiss, where you should go on dates, whether you should phone, what happens if they didn't call when expected, concern things are over already. The you will move on to whether you should invite them in for coffee, what happens if you want to go to bed with them or what happens as your emotions increase. Once again it is about trying to keep the basics in perspective. Your entire day-to-day life can be affected by beginning to like someone and fall in love so the only thing that gives you any structure is your regular daily pattern. Because of this it is crucial to keep as many things regular as possible. Try and sustain your daily regime, including clubs, hobbies and trips to the gym. However one of the beautiful aspects of this initial period is the breaking of that regime to find small intense emotional moments with your new friend.
People often ask me when a date becomes a relationship and I have answered that more fully in a different article but to my own mind the first 4 weeks are crucial in creating a basic foundation on which you can both develop into a relationships. You will have progressed from first date to hopefully the nth time. If you live close by you may have stopped counting by now. I can understand that circumstances may prevent regular dating for some, but I do think that if you are wanting a serious relationship to develop, proximity is helpful. In 4 weeks of dating you should have been dating plenty of times and be getting to know the beginnings of each other.
Where dating is very very slow then there is a danger it will never actually fire the main engines for lift off so I actively encourage people to make the most of the dating opportunities presented. You see, when you really like someone, you want to be with them, you want to spend all your time with them to get to know them and understand them and learn to fall in love with them. For this to happen you have to meet very regularly to build up that level of intimacy otherwise you may be wasting your time.
The first 4 weeks are critical as they are the testing time. If you get through this initial period you have a chance of building into a relationship. In my view it is too soon for sex if you are serious but too long for just a couple of meetings. It is the perfect time frame to know whether you are fairly compatible above and beyond the initial physical attraction. A month of dating is a month of happy events and phone calls and memories. If in that period things aren't working out, then you can walk away with no harm done.
You may feel sick and you may feel unsteady, but when we all look back and try and describe what being in love is like, most of us tend to remember the first four weeks when we met and use those feelings to describe how beautifully unsettling everything truly is.

"First Vacation Tips With a New Partner"

Going on your first vacation together will be one of the most stressful things you ever do. It is akin to death, moving house and childbirth. Expectations are high, you are both having sudden doubts as to the validity of this decisions and once you get wherever you are going, there will only be the two of you to focus on. Very quickly it will turn into the perfect vacation, or the vacation from hell and it is down to both of you as to which way it can go. Being isolated together in a foreign situation polarizes thought and beliefs and behavior. It can illuminate the smallest worrying traits in you and your partner and it will put under the microscope every fine detail of your planning skills. Once you have checked into your villa or room you will soon find out what you both truly like doing and how you both behave as a couple.
You may be thinking that you are in for a fortnight of sex in the surf with fine wines and relaxation only to discover your partner gets travel sick, has an obsession with tanning, hates sightseeing and can't hold their drink. On the other hand your partner may be the perfect companion and love and romance blossoms stronger than ever.
Many are the relationships that have foundered on the rocks of a first vacation together so some planning is involved, some adjustment, tons of compromise and a fantastic sense of humor to get through it. If you both come out of it successfully you may end up being a couple for life. If you fail, then better now than after the church ceremony.
Lower your vacation stress levels with the following tips:
Your first vacation together may be better as an extended weekend in another city and a fortnight in the sun
Make sure that selecting the first vacation is a joint exercise that is shared and is fun
Don't rush into having a first vacation together. Timing is essential as vacation time is limited
Make sure your expectations are realistic in advance of the vacation. If you are expecting heaven in the surf, you could be opening yourself up to disappointment
Ensure you have a high tolerance threshold and are open to many suggestions
Be relaxed but prepared when making vacation arrangements
Ensure the destination is one you are both more than comfortable with. A one-sided vacation plan will remain so
Do NOT go on vacation too soon after meeting. You need to have become used to the person you are travelling with. This is essential if you are not to have a roving eye round the pool
Do communicate in vast amounts before departing to ensure you are both on the same wavelength about what this vacation is all about
Do retain your romantic outlook from the moment you depart to the moment you arrive back. Just because you are on vacation does not mean you switch off
Do ensure you are personally well packed and prepared prior to the trip and do not rely on your partner making all the arrangements
Ensure the room you have booked has a double bed and not twin beds
Ensure you know something about your destination before setting up. Forearmed is forewarned. Surprising your partner is as necessary on vacation as at home.
Ensure that you know about any doubts or worries you partner has prior to the vacation and ensure they are reassured throughout
On vacation do show each other special attention throughout. The rest of the world doesn't matter whilst you relax together
A vacation should NOT spring unpleasant surprises so make sure you partner knows any dark secrets well in advance. If you are allergic to sunlight , make sure that is known in advance
If you can't swim or ski start learning now and assist your partner if you can
Be careful about too much alcohol on vacation. It can lead to many arguments
Flirting on holiday is a complete no go area. Don't even think about it
Do join water sports or classes together. Teach your date to ski if you are better than them, and make things a partnership
Do recognize that just because this is your first vacation together does not mean you live in each other's pockets 24 hours a day. Give each other some space when you sense it
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Select restaurants that are romantic and that are suited to both tastes. If necessary, compromise
Lose every selfish bone in your body
You are not joined at the hip so be prepared for some individual expression
Jealousy and possessiveness will not help your vacation so be open-minded and humorous
Be relaxed and entertaining and forget about home-life for a while
Don't go clubbing when your partner is tired. Spend relaxing times together and be considerate
Whatever happens you will display some hidden traits and so will they, take it all as part of the vacation experience. Things are not the same on vacation as at home
Make sure that you do only the things you can both afford and don't put your partner at financial risk by provoking them to spend more than they can afford
Pay for your first vacation separately out of your own funds if it feels right
Remember why you are going on vacation together in the first place. To spend time with each other in an ideal location to have fun together
Do not criticize how much your female partner has brought with her by way of clothes and shoes. I she needs 28 sun dresses and 15 pairs of shoes that is entirely fine
Your first vacation together is not a honeymoon
Finally, it is your responsibility as much as theirs to ensure you have so much fun it is the perfect holiday so never ever start blaming him/her for things out-with your control
Do not use a vacation situation to get too intense. Lay back and enjoy the sun

"First Loves. Our Past Haunts Us Still"

Are we searching for Miss or Mr. Right or have we already met them before? Did your Mr. Right once exist in your former life? Were they childhood sweethearts?
First love isn’t a new topic but I realized that first love is an emotionally potent one. With this in mind I realized that first love must have a much greater effect on the way we handle our lives that we perhaps want to admit. Until we first fall in love we are in effect emotional virgins. True romance has yet to touch us. We assume we know a great deal about life already and we assume we feel the same way that everyone else does, but we do not. Only those who have been in love that first time know the world has far more to it than meets the eye. Like death of an adult or parent or someone we love we can never be prepared and first love for many of us is a happy experience tinged with lifelong sadness and oddly, an element of grief. Because unless we marry our childhood sweetheart, our very first Mr. Right and live happily ever after, most of us will go on from our first love to be single again and learn from the experience.
I am not speaking here of first dates, first kiss or first sex. I am speaking earnestly about one’s first true love, the person you first fall madly in love with and cannot live without. It could be a childhood sweetheart but it doesn't have to be. Childhood sweethearts have a huge influence though and mustn't be underestimated in the legacy they leave. However I accept here that child hood sweetheart is too specific. Personally speaking, I was always kind of jealous of those who had childhood sweethearts as that was how it was supposed to be.
First love is the first time we learn to deal with pangs of angst, stomach churning adoration, lust, love, anxiety, salty tears that know no end. It’s the first time you learn what a deep communication with another person out-with your immediate family can be like on both a spiritual and physical level. You cannot live without them, you feel alive like never before, you exist wholly for another human being. It is fantastic, it is unbelievable, it’s the best thing in the world and it becomes your life, she becomes your life, he becomes your life. And it ends. In an instant the best thing that ever happened to you …stops.
I may overplay this scenario and of course it doesn’t happen to everyone, but amazingly, most of us have had some kind of experience like this. If we haven’t then we will so be warned. I say this because this may just be the thing that governs who we are. For many of us, our first great love occurs sometime between 16 to 21 years of age when we are still young and fresh and optimistic and ready for life. In that moment we are most open to experience and we are also at our most vulnerable. In this moment we may love like we may never love again, at least for quite a while.
During that time of first true love we open up ourselves to everything that love can bring us, elation, defeat, passion, sincerity, communication and contact, all on levels we had never experienced before. Our minds store away every small detail as part of our vertical new learning in love and romance and we cannot get enough. But the issue is that it gets taken away. It may be we are making a wise decision, maybe it is we who decides too much too young. It may not be our choice and our eternally loved partner walks away leaving us with life long questions that may never be answered. But whatever happens and however the end of our first love occurs, it will and does leave a legacy whether we like it or not.
Okay I hear you ask, what legacy, or is my legacy the same as your legacy? Well no, we are all different. First love in many people often leaves us with lifelong happy memories that are tied in with other close friends, with college and school, with times and places and particularly summers. For others, first love is a series of memories of regret, bad decisions and choices from which they have learned and become stronger hopefully. For everyone who has grown older with the legacy of a first love, future dating decisions are often too closely related to that first true love experience.

The first legacy is often physical. We want to recapture the feelings of being with our first love, our childhood sweethearts, our Mr. Right or Miss Right, and the easiest way for our brains to do that is to find someone who looks like them. How often have you seen a friend partner with someone who looks like their first love. Amazingly when I thought about this, there were quite a few people I knew who were dating the image of their childhood sweethearts. So we find comfort in being with someone who resembles our first love.
Next, we find that we are left with a legacy of the need to recreate a sense of love we have had time to heighten. What this really means is that if we have already experienced true love once, we want it again. Not a little, but the same or more even, just like the first time. Secretly, we crave it. Now this is a serious legacy from our past romance because what this really means is that we may not be satisfied by many relationships that come our way afterwards. Every time we date we want it to be like the first time, full of new experience, full of innocent love, with no preconditions. Yes we already now have preconditions because we have learned from our first love. We have set a base line for the presence of love.
Next this means that we will be tough in our romantic and dating decisions. Subconsciously we relate our first love to the perfect feeling of being in love and as such we crave it. We need and want love and that overwhelming wave of romance to be as powerful and magical as it was the first time and if it doesn’t come and come quickly, then the person we date will be penalized for this. We won’t want to date people who appear to be dissimilar to the person who showed us love, we avoid selecting people who don’t show such heightened potential in the early days of meeting. In other words, new dates are not reaching a perilously high love base line we have set and it may be that no one can. We want to date our childhood sweethearts a second time.
Next, the first love legacy means that we may punish those from who we don’t receive the same amazing love feelings by letting them go and continuing our search. In the end it can mean that we have set our sights so high that finding comparable love and happiness becomes difficult. Date after date we are looking for something we cannot find. I often here people say, “I don’t know what it is I am searching for but it’s inside me but I just can’t find it but I will know it when I see (feel) it”. In other words, they know what love feels like and want it again, but until it comes instantly they won’t accept, “I will not make do”, they say. And dating becomes difficult.
Of course what we forget is that our first love, our Mr. Right, is probably now some years older, a different person, maybe even looks different. That moment has gone now. It has been lost in time, and only lives on inside of us. I think it can be a good thing if we control it and let it be part of us but not take over. It governs some of the choices of who we are and who we wish to date, it guides and helps us in some ways because it clarifies what we know allows us to be happy. Even better is that it reminds us that true love can and does exist but that we are on a search to find it once again. To find true love in first love is an amazing thing and many say that to find that twice in a lifetime is impossible.
I disagree, I think as long as we accept that we must not try and recreate our first love, we are simply clear minded healthy people who know what we are about and are wise in knowing the experience of love, both good and bad. We should remember not to let this affect the potential of future even more powerful relationships than any that came before. Your Mr. Right, is somewhere waiting, just don't let him be the one in the past.